I found out in November ‘09, that my husband was having an ongoing emotional affair with a woman at church that we were in ministry with. She claimed (pushed) to be my friend and the church treated them like indispensable hero’s. Even thought it was funny how most people thought “they were married”, because they made such a great team. When this affair came out, they were both loved, supported and protected by the key church leaders. I was treated like the sinner and scolded if I even raised my voice at my husband or showed any anger or feelings. Even when my husband went against the agreement to sever all contact in order to stay in ministry, and months later he admitted that they didn’t, he was still able to stay and serve. He has treated me with such cruelty and anger for months as I did what I was told. “Love him back”. He crammed it down my throat about his feelings, connection and attraction to this woman. How much they wanted to act on the feelings physically, and would have if the six people in the church had not (separately) gone forward with concerns. He says these feelings are something he never felt for me. He has insisted on a divorce from the minute this affair became known. The other woman finally told her husband (four months later) and she is also insisting on a divorce now. Her husband is getting the same treatment from the church. They won’t even meet with him.
My husband is willing to transfer in June (military) and leave me and our son behind. He has his “Christian” family’s love, support and compassion. None of them have called to see how I am. His Father and Brother both did this same thing to their first wives.
We have been married 14 years. I believed God was blessing me with a wonderful Godly man that I met in Sunday School. We were married in church before God, our friends and family, served in ministry together for years and lived a “Christian marriage”. I always felt things would get better and there was hope that we would get the deep Godly marriage I knew was waiting for us. To look back now, the signs were there and I should have looked deeper into his heart and faith. But even now, I believe in a God that can transform and bring anything to life if asked. I guess it has to be desired from both of us. The thing I need prayer and advice with is, how do I let go of the man that I fully committed to, loved with my whole heart and feel “one flesh” with? How could he still go to church, insist he is strong with God, be surrounded by Godly people that are his support, and still wake up every day with determination to do this. They all must know the awful truth of what I must have done. I mean, he opens up to everyone else but me. What could I have done so terrible to deserve this? We had a marriage others said they wished they had. ha ha
I have supported him through four advancements in his career a BA and MA degree. I was the one who added the commas, changed the wording, corrected the spelling and earned a lot of the credit for those degrees. But that’s what a wife does. He has become so prideful and worldly in the last few years and it breaks my heart to leave him behind in this condition. I gave up my degree when I met him and have been a housewife and home-school Mom. I lost both of my parents suddenly, two months apart in 2008. I grieved alone because my husband was uncomfortable with my crying, and the money they left paid off all of our debt. He then went out and bought an Audi. He’s like a teenager racing other cars down the street and showing off. He has status at work now and a larger paycheck that hardly ever got tithed in our fourteen years of marriage.
I am so confused because I know I didn’t have the Christian man I thought I was marrying, but I can’t let go of what I know God is capable of. The months I was loving him, crying in the bathroom, putting myself back together and coming out and asking “What do you want for dinner, Dear?”, God would not release me from the marriage. No matter how much I begged in the midst of the cruelty my husband was throwing at me. Then on February 11th, I woke up with such peace and a true release from the marriage. I think God wanted me to know the difference when the release came. I know God has an amazing life waiting for me, and so much blessing for my faithfulness. He has already begun to bring that to light. I am just so tired of feeling a joy about the future God is bringing and then the next day feeling like I need to fight for my husband and marriage.
I can say that God is giving me one of the biggest gifts a Christian could ever receive. I am learning that all of my joy, peace, fulfillment, love and happiness comes from Him first. I depend on Him for EVERYTHING. That is worth it all. I am just so shocked at how much satan does this to our Christian marriages. He doesn’t change his “mo”. It works every time, so why should he? I am angry that he keeps getting our marriages and the church doesn’t stand up and fight back in a direct, quick and assertive way. Not one man approached my husband about what he was doing, the Pastor stays out of these situations and loving my husband and the other woman through their rough time was the only approach taken. I tried the Matthew 18:15-17 approach and was told to “leave it alone and don’t make trouble for the other woman and my husband”. The sinner is treated with love, patience and support. I was turned away.
I know with God, I will get through this, but how do I know when to let go and label myself as a “divorcee”? I am so embarrassed and hate that my son is now from a broken home. I pray I can trust a man again, all the women I meet in church and a church that would have my back. I know I will with God, but my emotions are so raw, I am devastated and satan just keeps on attacking. I am better than I was a couple of weeks ago. As long as I continue to see and feel God’s work in me, I know I’ll get through this. God will give me a ministry again, and maybe it will be to love those women that are going through this very thing. To help pick them up off the bathroom floor when they’re begging God to just “bring them home now”, because the pain is too much.
This is the one and only time I have ever done this type of thing on the computer. Thank you for creating this site and helping the ones that appear to be ignored the most. The shattered spouses who watch their entire lives crumble around them. Nobody knows what it’s like to be in our shoes, unless they’ve been there themselves.