Stop Pointing Fingers and Causing Trouble

Stop Playing the Blame Game

by Jason Deines

in Tips for Coping with Divorce

This post is written from experience. After divorce there can be many, many “you did this!” “You did that.” Kind of conversations that only lead to an argument filled with anger and hate towards one another.

There are several times a year, even still to this day that I get a call or a letter of what a bad husband I was. At this point I have two options; option 1 is to defend myself for the hundredth time and attack back. Option 2 is to simply let it go.

They may be attacking you and dangling that hook in front of you but you don’t have to bite and attack back. You already know in your heart that you made mistakes; you know they made mistakes, and you know that you are a good person working on being a better Christian day by day. God has forgiven you, you have forgiven yourself and it is not your fault your ex can’t do the same. You no longer live in the past and that is a choice you have made. Your ex may not be to that point or they may simply be having a really bad day and feel like bashing you.

When this happens I tend to do one of two things depending on how I am approached. If it is by phone and it starts to get out of hand I simply hang up. I might have to do this 3 or 4 times before she stops calling back or starts to communicate appropriately. Now sometimes, I get rants and raves in writing mixed with comments or questions about our child. I tend to start to respond to it all as if I were defending myself and telling her to get over it then when all is said and done with I set it aside. Over time I consider; will this really help matters or make it worse? Granted I defended myself but I got to remember that I have done that dozens and dozens of times before, with no positive results. It is simply not worth it anymore. I go back and tear out the pages and only address the concerns of the child in a business-like manner, straight to the point without offending verbiage.

Don’t hesitate to call on the Holy Spirit for help as well, but sometimes things get out of control before you realize what’s going on, we are only human, and you find yourself praying to Jesus for forgiveness instead. I know the times I reacted out of the flesh and in anger it only made matters worse and everything I said fell on deaf ears because it continues to happen. If you follow these steps and don’t fight back eventually they will get the message and won’t attack you as much. If they aren’t getting a rise out of you then what’s the point? You have a life to live and trivial arguments from the past aren’t worth much in the grand scheme of things.


{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

1 claire

Wow.
Just reading your comment sends me to that place.
It isn’t just knowing how to handle the situations the right way, because, from the get-go there is nothing “right” about any of this! I like to use the medium of an email between my soon to be ex-husband and I. It gives me a chance to relax, to Pray and to write after seeking the Lord. So my utterances are not knee-jerk responses which are almost always filled with irrational emotion.
Civility.. That is my goal with my daughter’s dad and his girlfriend. To be CIVIL, despite his taunts.
Thanks for your comments, it makes this whole thing a little easier knowing I am not alone.
Claire

2 Jason

Email is good as long as you don’t let any slip by that can be used against you :-)

Also with email you will be able to keep a log of conversations so that is another good thing.

Sometimes I do take the time to write down my frustrations on paper, just to get it out. Then I throw it away, it does make me feel better. When there is children involved both parties will be involved with one another for a very long time so it is better to learn to deal with each other.

3 claire

Yes, you make a good point .. points, really.
I do best when I’m anticipating a conversation. I am able to center myself and prepare myself. I think too, it depends which side you are on.. If you get my drift. My husband had been having an affair for a very long time. There was an awful lot of deceit going on, not that I hurt more than he.. But, in a way. I am the “Ousted” party. So, the hurt.. USUALLY.. comes from him to me. Just because of the nature of the situation.
My hurt toward him occurs when I am not prepared, hear the phone, expecting a friendly voice, and am thrown into an emotional hurt that .. I can control, but find it hard to at times. So. Prepare, Pray and calm works for me, and an email, with all of it’s faults, helps me.. In most cases.. Appreciate your note.
Take care.. Claire

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