Is Being Sorry Enough

by Jason Deines

in Questions & Answers

Submitted by Ondine

Married 15yrs. 2 children. lost our first son @ 1yr to a drowning.husband wanted to relocate to further his career, put our house up for sale and after 2wks of departing ahead of us announced he wanted a divorce.i was left with a baby and asperger son without any money or support and upon calling him, his phone was off or he was in meetings.unreachable. church had to assist with funds for food and electricity.he laughed when i asked for nappy money or questioned what was going on and told me to deal with it.after 2 months of pleading and endless unanswered calls to him i granted him his request and started divorce proceedings along with a protection order due to his verbal and physical temper tantrums towards me, my son and our animals.4 months later and two weeks before we are to sign our divorce in court, we are allowed to communicate.painful realisations come up.my husband ran up a credit card debt double his salary. his mother pays his debt and he still continues to spend while I sit in our unsold house with almost no financial or physical support.he showed no remorse until now. he claims he is soooo sorry and loves us very much but he feels he has issues and money is part of it. claims he has a problem there and possible bipolar or depression.i asked about getting council he says he is with a psychologist and working things out.says he cannot step back into our marriage if he knows i will harp on his past mistakes.he wants to get council alone until he is ready even if it means we get divorced and go for marriage council afterwards to get to know eachother for the sake of the children.

My question is, surely if he is sincere he wouldve realized that leaving his family without money or physical contact cannot be excused or dismissed with sorry.if he truely wanted to selvage our marriage then why want a divorce and then insist on marital council.why not go the whole haul together and fix this marriage together. he wants to remain in his flat in his relocated area while i remain at home with the children.he believes he needs time.

with 2weeks to go before our divorce being official do i consider hearing him out at a meeting.do i hand him every financial statement regarding his socializing expenses and demand proof that it was all in the name of business even huge amounts shown to have been spend for food,liquor and sunday and holiday meals..with other people.? do I demand an explanaition.we have never discussed budgets or our joint spending.he is the spendthrift and likes to show his position in life by flashing his money at the drop of a hat, i turn every penny to save money and spend it when needed without making any debt. I dont trust him and feel there is more to his story than becoming an IT solutions architect in a high powered position and dont buy the excuse that he is a workaholic and we are opposites. am i out of line here. do i try selvage a marriage that was never based on trust only mothering a man that refused to accept his problem with prioritizing family and work responsibilities.we have never gone camping as a family or holiday trips or even trips to locations that provide entertainment or fun for our children and relaxation for ourselves.i have only been taken to a coffee shop about 4 times in our marriage and dinner outings consist of once a month maybe to the local restaurant.while he has visited hotels, estate restaurants 4 and 5 star etc,,,
what do I do? do I fight for our marriage if love was never focused on only his gym,self improvement and his appearance.spent hundrends of rands on fancy car and clothing and sports supplements etc..while i fight for money for clothing or movie tickets for my son.

i am at my last energy reserve.i look at my children and cry at the drop of a hat, wondering how someone can claim not to have noticed that we were suffering for food and care and contact with their husband and father. i cannot forget this experience and feel like i want to cut this relationship off as fast as possible before i have no more self esteme and strength to go on with life.
help me please.
do i meet with him alone at first where we lay everything out on the table. or do i request a 3rd party to help us stand accountable for our actions and words?

i have nothing.the car house,policies,accounts and furniture are all in his name.i studied at the open university of the uk for a teachers degree in special needs as well as industrial design or 3d design but both were holted at his request to have children and me been told that i need to take care of them.

i live very isolated life.friends are gone because he fought before each braai or invitation and it became a pattern and hurtful after a while and i just slowly drifted from any social contact where we were in the same room together.humiliating me infront of others became a joke and he said i was exadurating and overly sensitive but his talking down on me in front of others were more than that.i couldnt do that to him or others.i certainly would never spend years perfecting myself physically and finacially just to get my ego stroked and tell my family i am a workaholic and then leave.

clearly i am very angy.i have to take my sanity and deal with it so carefully as to not to fall apart.my children are my life.i doubted my own talents and stopped believing that i could function without my husband.my future is a brick wall and i was abandoned and destitute. now he wants to talk.

how do i approach this? how do i present my case to him. should i even try selvage this broken link of miscommunication with him?
My autistic son has improved 180degrees without the abuse and is functioning like normal individual for the first time in 12years.
My husband says God doesnt feature in his life anymore and my values as a christian are not the same as his anymore, he doesnt trust God.i hold fast to my God.He is all i have left.

help me please what do I do


{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Jason

I wish I could tell you the answer… all I know is that I would of stopped my divorce the day of if I could have. Of course situations are different. I don’t know what it takes to postpone a divorce in the UK but maybe you could push it out a few weeks to see what happens – to be honest I don’t the answer. If your husband is sincere and he follows through with all that he says he will would that make you happy? Can you both be a family and raise the kids together? I guess there are a lot of questions that need to be answered.

I would most certainly tell him your “demands” and expectations. I would do it in the presense of a third party, one that will help you with the healing process as a family. If things do work out I would expect it to be a long process but if you both are sincere it will be worth it.

As for him not trusting in God I would discuss that with him too and let him know that Gos is important to you.

I wish I could be of more help but no one can tell you exactly what to do. Either way you are going to have to take a chance and accept the outcome. It sounds like you have some work to do on yourself and that will be a critical piece in the puzzle as well.

2 Allison

Ondine,
Read 1Corinthians:14 & 15
God’s instruction that covers just what you’ve experienced.

Let your life grow into something better, for it is
God’s will for you to have peace and love in your life.
According to this scripture, you are not under
bondage to him any longer.
You’re right, all you have is God to hold fast to.
Let God mold your life into something better for you and your children.

3 DJ

I am so sorry for all you have gone through. It sounds to me as if you do know what to do. Your husband is showing no real signs that he is sorry, sorry for himself yes, but for his treatment of you and his children? God wants so much more for you and your children than what he is offering. As the saying goes, ‘if someone shows you who they are, believe them!’ He has shown you very clearly the horrors he is capable of, it’s who he is, believe him and act accordingly. Without God in his life real change is unlikely. Don’t let fear of your future without him hold you back. God has a great life ahead for you, ‘plans to prosper you and give you a future and a hope’. Ask God for guidance and he will give it to you, he will hold your hand and lead you through it all. Trust him, he will be everything to you and your children that you need him to be, husband, father, provider and friend. I have been where you are and I’m speaking from experience. I found God incredibly pracitcal with his guidance and I know you will too. Just hang on to him tightly and step by step follow his promptings. And know, the pain you are in at the moment is not forever, ‘your sorrow will end’.

4 Andrea

I am so sorry for what you have suffered. My husband divorced me,kicked me and the kids out of our home..the kids and I were homeless for 10 months! I know how painful this whole thing is..keep your faith, it’s the only way. I will pray for you and your family.

5 Donna

Ondine, this breaks my heart. I agree with Jason again on this one. I think of course you can meet with him, I advise a 3rd party who is not on either person’s side or likely to take sides. I would be VERY strong here about telling him the issues that he needs to change. For one, him humiliating you in front of people is NOT ON. You being isolated is NOT ON. Him doing ANY kind of abuse to or in front of the children or to you is NOT ON. He needs to wake up to himself that his actions have repercussions. Your trust has been broken in many areas here. Also I would raise the bar and tell him that he MUSt take you and family out on proper outings, REGULARLY. See if he actually agrees and follows through. Most of these actions he can show to you whilst you are still separated. But most importantly, he needs to PROVE he will provide for you. As it says in 1 Thessalonians 1 Timothy 5:8
If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
This is not about not forgiving. We MUST forgive. It’s about having wisdom with trusting someone again. God is so amazing and He really can repair and restore things. I humbly suggest to seek God’s face with everything that you are and more and more. You really can see breakthrough here.

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