Considering Divorce

by Jason Deines

in Questions & Answers

Submitted by Cindy

I was married at the age of 16 to my first husband because I had gotten pregnant and I was not a christian at the time. After 3 1/2 years of marriage I divorced my first husband because he cheated on me. A year and a half later I married my second husband. When I married my second husband I was not a christian. Fast forward 10 yrs: I gave my life to Christ and my second husband and I have two children together plus my child from my first marriage. However 9 out of these 10 yrs my second husband has been battleling a crack-cocaine addiction and an alcohol addiction as well. Because of these addictions, he sometimes comes home in the early morning hours or not at all. Also, there’s been plenty of times when he has spent his entire paycheck on crack-cocaine and because of this, there’s been times where we had to live a life of pawning things and because if this we have little to show materialistcally for our 10yrs of marriage(I’m a stay-at-home mom). I always forgive him, he says he’ll never do it again, that he will stop drinking, he will stop doing drugs. He does stop for a while but then the cycle starts all over again. I have prayed for him, I’ve tried to help him in anyway that I can and he’s tried christian re-hab. I guess he’s a christian. He gave his life to Christ several years after I did. He does go to church and he does love God. Overall, I know he loves me (he doesn’t want me to leave him) and I love him too and he is a good and very attentive and helpful father to all of our children. He does have a kind heart. My thing is I just can’t stand this cycle anymore. Even though he goes to church and loves God, he can’t seem to let go of the beer and drugs. Many christian people have told me I am better off without him and that God doesn not want me living this kind of life. Like I mentioned before, this repetative cycle that we’ve been in for the past 9 years is not healthy for us or our children. I have made a choice to leave him (again). I have seperated from him many times before because of his addictions. However, this time I am seriously considering divorce. I honestly don’t think he’s going to change. I know the only one who can change him is God. Am I wrong to consider divorce and actually divorce him?


{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Jason

I understand what it means to be addicted and I know how hard it is to quit but it is far from impossible. Living a sober life has its challenges but it is greatly rewarding. I honestly feel that God hates divorce, well because He says so. Is living with an addict more harmful to children than divorce? Honestly, I don’t know! I know plenty of people that will agree with those that tell you to leave. Personally, I don’t know what to do because biblically there isn’t many grounds for divorce. With my ex, I made a choice to marry her knowing that there were issues. I made a choice to marry her and not truly getting to know who she is. I should be held accountable for my actions. You say nice things about your husband and he seems to be a good dad, so again it is hard. Maybe a long-term separation is the way to go, a year or so. That will give him the time to get sober but he needs to have a compelling reason to do so and break the cycle. Whatever you decide God loves you both and wants the best for you. We are all sinners but with sin comes consequences.

2 frankie

I’m reading the book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. On Page 45 they state God limits his exposure to evil, unrepentant people, as should we. Scripture is full of admonitions to separate ourselves from people who act in destructive ways (Matt. 18:15-17, 1 Cor. 5:9-13.) We are to take a stand against things that destroy love.

3 Donna

Cindy, that sounds terrible. A father who spends the entire paycheck on drugs/alcohol is NOT being a good father. It is good he doesn’t abuse the children etc, but that is neglect, which is abuse. I agree with Jason here again. I definitely recommend you separate for at least a year, and he needs to get counselling for an extended period of time, and LOTS OF PRAYER. The long term separation will give him a bit more motivation to work on this and the root causes of his addiction. You remaining in such an unstable, with an irresponsible man is teaching your children that their father does not have to be responsible and mature. Oh I will pray for you I’m so sorry to hear what is going on. But you MUST stay strong and keep those boundaries. I have seen what children suffer through with drug addict parents and in my opinion it is MUCH less damaging to be separated from a father who is in such bondage, it’s not like they won’t be able to visit him still.

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: