Should I Stay Miserable

by Jason Deines

in Questions & Answers

submitted by Kay

Jason-your wife committed adultry so God’s word gives you permission to leave the marriage. But my husband hasn’t broken a commandment. He is just unaffectionate, controlling( I have to ask for a check, or money to go to doctor, get groceries, etc and he usually gets mad and denies me-like he wishes I didn’t exist)AND HE IS GRUMPY! Biblically, I can’t find a verse that justifies divorcing him. Am I supposed to be miserable for now and know that I will be happy for eternity because I followed God’s word? Staying in a painful marriage is destroying my health and my self-esteem-but is it selfish to think more about myself than to keep trusting in God to change him?


{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Jason

Of course I can’t tell you what to do but I can tell you a bit on what I think. I do believe that God will richly bless you if you honor your covenant. I also believe that you can take control of how you feel, you can take control of your health, and you can turn your life around no matter what your husband does or says. You don’t have to take his abuse but you can learn what to do.

I truly believe that God will provide you everything that is necessary and then one day – WHAM! The scales are going to fall from your husband’s eyes. Smile and love him, not with your love but with God’s. Is there anyone at church that can help you? Kay, I know there are many MANY people out there that disagree with me and that is fine. So really just follow your own heart… I know that God wants to work a miracle and I pray that He will break your husband and at the same time show you how to reach out.

Separation isn’t a sin and sometimes that is a good way to get people to wake-up and appreciate what they have.

2 Share

Hi Kay, I am so sorry for your pain. It is a hopeless feeling to be struggling in a marriage like that. The pain and discouragement can be overwhelming. My husband was very similar and I was miserable for most of the 15 years we were married. I found evidence he committed adultery and was at the lawyer’s office in two days. I thought God had given me a “get out of jail free card.” Now that the initial shock and anger has worn off, I am sad. The divorce isn’t final yet and I know part of me is grieving. However, I woke up one day with a realization that I was at fault for the breakdown of my marriage. It seemed incomprehensible because he was the one who was making me so miserable. But I realized that God had been gently speaking to me about verbally building up my husband and praying for his good. I was so angry at him that I couldn’t bear to do it. All I did was be absorbed in my own pain. The way I handled it was completely natural for the situation I was in. But God requires us to act and believe in ways that aren’t natural. And it’s only through Christ we can begin to do those things.
However, the other side of a marriage like this is not without pain either. Believe me, you don’t want to be on the other side and realize that you missed God’s best for you.
If you want to talk with me, write back; I’m happy to listen and give encouragement. It’s a lonely and discouraging place when your home is not a haven. I will pray for you because I know that it is an impossible task without supernatural help.

3 Donna

Hi Kay!
What you have mentioned there is certainly abusive. If I were you, I would once again calmly explain my concerns to your husband about the control, the financial control, and the bad attitude towards you. (I’m sure you’ve tried this already). If there is no attempt at changing these things I would separate, either in house, or away. Just for as long as God leads you to. You do not need to accept unacceptable behaviour. We all have faults, and you could also say to him you’re sorry for anything you can think of that is a real issue that you have failed in. I would be interested to see here how he reacts to this. http://organizations.rockbridge.net/projecthorizon/signsofabuser.htm
I would also pray and fast and speak life over the marriage, I mean pray as hard and as long as you can and speak the scriptures over your husband. Also try and encourage him etc. This is only what I would do myself, I don’t know half of the things here because I know there is a LOT you are not telling us. There is a book called Have a New Husband by Friday. I don’t necessarily agree with ALL of the book, but some of the points in there are amazing-with the groceries-you need to tell him to do it and just let him have a hissy fit, and just do not buy food. (if you feel SAFE with this). He needs to see that you have boundaries and are not a pushover, but in love of course.

4 sandy

I can say that God will honor you for honoring your marriage. My mother stayed with my father over 25 + years of abuse. Physical,emotional everyway. My mother stayed and grew in the Lord and I can say they are happily married. They celebrated 41 years this past June.

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