Peace with the Ex

Peace with the Ex

by Jason Deines

in Featured, Tips for Coping with Divorce

“So let us do all we can to live in peace. And let us work hard to build each other up.” Romans 14:19

Driving home from work last week, I found myself behind one of those cars that was plastered with “peace” type bumper stickers. As it made for good reading, while sitting at the stop light, I began to think about how peace was a nice concept but it simply isn’t human nature. On a grand scale, peace is elusive and there is always a need for peacemakers, in fact I think that most people want peace and that is how the anti-christ will establish a hold on the world, through the promise of peace. True peace doesn’t come until after Jesus comes back and establishes His kingdom upon this earth but that doesn’t mean we can’t desire peace and work towards peace on a smaller personal scale.

Peace with our ex should be a priority in our lives, especially if there are children involved but it can be difficult to obtain such peace with a person that was closer than any other in our lives. Our hearts were broken, trust was lost, and we were faced with hopelessness and pain. So how do you have peace with a person that caused you so much pain? It has to start with a desire to do God’s will. He calls us to live in peace and that doesn’t mean with just the people we like.

Here are a few requirements that I think help achieve peace with an ex-spouse:

  • Peace requires acceptance of the situation.
  • Peace requires seeing your ex as a human being capable of making mistakes, just like you.
  • Peace requires a change of heart that only God can provide.
  • Peace requires forgiveness.
  • Peace requires the power of God’s love flowing through you.
  • Peace requires selflessness.
  • Peace requires you to think before you speak and to say what the Holy Spirit wishes and not your flesh.
  • Peace requires making a choice – a choice to do all the above and live in peace.

As I wrap things up I would like to share something my daughter brought home from her Kindergarten Sunday school class that talks about peace (credit goes to The reThink Group).

  1. Some people may think that making peace is lame, but God says that peacemakers are better off than hot heads. Peacemakers usually have stronger friendships, live with less stress, and they live like God says to. Remember that making peace doesn’t make you weak; it makes you stronger!
  2. People who pick fights all the time instead of learning to live in peace usually end up bitter, crabby people with few real friends. But as for peacemakers, God says they have a great future – one filled with contentment and good friends who can talk stuff out. Making peace doesn’t make you weak; it makes your future brighter!
  3. Sometimes we don’t make peace because we are scared. We may think people will make fun of us or try to take advantage of us, but God reminds us that He is on our team!
  4. Making peace makes you strong. It’s true. But you need to remember that the strength comes from God. He is the one wiho will give you the courage to stop the fight or the strength to walk away. And when God is on your side, you can do anything!

Now it is obvious that since this handout was given to a toddler it was intended for something different than finding peace with your ex after divorce, but it is so easy to read these and apply them to the way we think and feel. We can have peace and be at peace with anyone, even our ex-spouse.


{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

1 claire

Thank you Jason. PEACE is a simple concept. I loved the Kindergarten Sunday School handout. And .. I too have sat behind the bumper stickers… and wondered similarly.. about the impending divorce in my life.. PEACE. I am seeking peace in my life. Forgiveness and understanding. Wish it were as easy for me as it seems it should be in the words written. The flesh, keeping me from completing the task, I’m nearly there. Nearly.
Jesus heals our broken ness, our broken hearts, but we need to grab a hold of our lives, our hearts and walk through this world. Alone (in my case) and find Joy with the Lords presence.. Which is for me sometimes a stumbling block. Most of the time, I am smiling and filled with His presence. Then, I find myself .. onlilne like tonight.. Sad. But, thankyou. I am smiling now after reading your article.
Peace to you, Jason.

2 Jason

Claire, everything comes in time and it can be very difficult in the beginning and gets easier. When I read the bible or other writings and get ideas it isn’t always easy to put them into practice immediately. They end up being seeds planted in my mind that over time I think upon more and more as I recognize the things I am trying to change. I wish there was a manual out there that gave us the answers to change instantly.

The flesh is the very thing that robs everyone of peace, that is why you must starve the flesh and feed the spirit. Which I found very difficult after divorce because the pain, loneliness, an desire for companionship can be very overwhelming.

Lastly, we are never alone… it may feel that way at times but it will pass. God does want us to have friendships with other human beings. Granted I do know how hard it is to make new friends, especially at my age, but it isn’t impossible.

3 sandy

Hi Jason, Thanks for your courage in doing this ministry. I gave my life to Christ in 2006 even though I grow up in church. My first husband cheated and well, I divorced him. Still rebelling I remarried in 2004, not a whole person and not to someone who seemed interested in God but … well, now we are going through a divorce and I feel so cheated. My heart desire since a child was to marry. Well, where does this leave me? God willing closer to Him and finally healing over childhood abuse. I have been seeing a christian counselor since2006 and pray that this too will pass. Please keep me in prayer.//Sandy

4 Jason

God bless you Sandy… you know how God says not to look to our past but always forward. Keep your eyes on Jesus and keep on walking toward Him. He will free you and heal you from all that you have been through.

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