Is it God or is it My Fear

by Jason Deines

in Questions & Answers

Submitted by Susan

My husband has cheated on me through most of our marriage. We have been married for almost 6 years and have 3 children. He was my first and only serious relationship.

About 3 years into our marriage I found out that he was cheating on me with the mother of his oldest son. At that point and time I forgave him. I guess I felt that I could understand it (not condone it) due to the past history. He swore it would never happen again and that none of it meant anything to him. Shortly after that we moved out of state and our marriage seemed good.

About a year and a half ago we moved back to our home state. We had been fighting a lot because of financial reasons mainly – he wasn’t working and I was frusterated because all he wanted to do was spend time with his younger single friends. Shortly thereafter he became friends with a woman from a motorcylce group. She was married and she and I were friendly so I didn’t see any harm in it. Our marriage seemed okay most of the time.

This summer things really started to go downhill. He was messaging and talking to this motorcycle friend of his all the time. She was actively trying to be my friend so I guess I was in denial thinking who would try and make friends with the wife of a man they were messing around with. Later this summer she started talking about leaving her husband and I began to sense something was really wrong.

I confronted my husband and her several times and they both denied it. Finally while my husband was at work I got on his computer and read a conversation that confirmed that they had been at least emotionally cheating all along. I was devasted and asked him to leave. He stated that he was going to leave me anyway and that he had been unhappy for a very long time. That was the first I’d ever heard of that.

Less than two days after he moved out he was with her, they were a couple. He even got into specifics and told me that they had slept together. I prayed a lot but I felt that God was encouraging me to show my husband forgiveness and unconditional love. I asked him to please come home and give marriage counseling a try. He resisted but then a week or so ago called me and told me he was coming home. Since I had put that offer out there I didn’t feel I had the right to take it back so I let him come home with he condition there would be no contact with this other woman and that we would go through counseling together. He agreed and seemed sincere.

Less than a day after he was home he was contacting her via phone and computer. He stated that all they wanted to be was friends. I didn’t believe this but now that he was home what could I do. We spoke to our pastor both together and seperately. The pastor told me I was doing the right thing but told him that he had a decision to make, either me or this other woman.

I still felt and feel compelled to continue to try and save my marriage, even after he told me that he wasn’t sure he ever loved me. I feel like this isn’t just about our marriage but about spiritual warfare for his soul. We talked last night and he admitted to not only talking to this other woman but he also admitted that he has met up with her.

I am so confused. I still feel compelled to work on our marriage but I am not sure if it is God compelling me to act this way or if it is my fear of letting go and my sadness for my kids loosing their father and the family they know. I never wanted my children to grow up in a broken home. When I married I married for life. But how long does someone put up with this? Should someone put up with this? How do you know when its something God wants you to do or if its just me not wanting to make that decision to break up my family?

Last night I asked him to not contact her for at least the next two weeks and to take that time to figure out what he wanted and to really consider what he was doing to himself, me, and our family. I could really use everyone’s prayers and/or advice.

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Jason

Susan this is such a hard question to answer. I guess it really comes down to is if your husband will repent. I completely understand what you are saying about keeping the family together and the spiritual warefare. God may be compelling you to stay and work on the marriage. That would mean at some point your husband should do the same but it sounds like this has been going on for a long time and he still is talking to her. I just don’t think that anyone can work out anything while still involved with the other party. Doesn’t make sense to me. I guess I would not rush the divorce however I would prepare youself. I don’t see it being a bad thing to ask him to leave again and see how it plays out.

It is hard to let go and sometimes it is difficult to know what God is saying but there is grounds for divorce and I am not aware of any scripture that says you need to stick it out and let the other person endanger you while they mess around with other people. You are not the one breaking up the family, in a way that has already been done by him. Do what you can and if you come to a point where you just can’t stand it anymore you can rest assured you did everything possible to save your marriage. Sometimes when we let things go God will bring them back new and improved. Susan I truley feel for you and I wish it were easier. I can be a bit harsh sometimes because I don’t feel anyone should have to put up with constant cheating and all that goes with it. It is one thing for them to repent and turn from their sin it is another to make excuses and continue down the path of destruction.

2 dj

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you Susan, I know what a painful experience it is. And I agree with everything Jason has already said. But I just wanted to add that I believe what your husband is doing to you and your family is abuse. Would you continue in it if he was beating you and your children? Would you be thinking God wanted you to stay in the relationship while your husband decided whether he wanted to stop doing that? I don’t think it’s different, what he is doing to you is equally as cruel in my book.
Letting go is incredibly hard because we know it’s just a matter of our partners making a few right choices that could change everything for the better. But when someone is abusive, and I believe adultery is, the worst thing we can do is accept it in any way. That is affirming their behavior. Your husband has no reason or true desire to change, otherwise you can be sure he would.
I think you have done an amazing job of trying your best for your family, you have been incredibly brave and though you may not feel like it at times, you must be a very strong woman.
God knows you can’t make a marriage work on your own, and I pray He guides you clearly as He takes you on from here.

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