Mixed Feelings

by Jason Deines

in Questions & Answers

Submitted by Joel

I was in a mediocre marriage for 7 years. Things would be great and sometimes things would be really bad. We have two children, 6 and 4. When things got bad we would run to the next location and start over. Eventually we moved back to our home state 2.5 years ago. Immediately my wife got a new job and completely changed. She had a new group of friends, all singles, and went out with them a lot. At first I was ok with her getting to know new people and having fun. Then one day we got in a fight, not a very bad one, and she threatened me with a divorce for the first time ever.

I still remember that as being devastating to me because I never considered it an option. Over the next 6-8 months she told me constantly we we’re done being married. We were in counseling with a pastor and her reasoning was that I’d basically had enough chances to change. Suddenly around every turn there was evidence of her having an affair, I caught her in many lies and found a lot of evidence. I didn’t want to believe it. At one point she even told me she loved him, and they had kissed. At that moment I told her to stop seeing him and change but she refused. Later I found out that she stayed the night at his apartment while he supposedly wasn’t there. It became harder for me to believe she was being truthful because of all the little lies I discovered.

She had a breakdown and cried for days at one point. In my mind that relationship had ended badly, but I’ll never know. We started working on at least pretending to be a family after that, even though everyone in my tight-nit family knew. We we’re back together before she started seeing him again “as a friend”. Several times I tried to be reasonable and give her the benefit of the doubt, but she would go missing and when I would ask, she would go ballistic. So finally she moved out, and when she did, everything became about me deciding to get a divorce. She began telling my family that it was my decision and I didn’t want to work things out or see a counselor. Now, she’s right, I don’t, but I feel incredibly guilty. I feel sorry for her that she made such poor decisions, and I know she is very sad. Being a Christian, I feel like I hate divorce too, but I shutter at being with her again, and at the manipulation. I can’t prove she had a physical affair, but I never would have been apart from her if she didn’t. I don’t believe any of this would have happened if she just would have stopped seeing him and repented. On the other hand I feel spiritually liberated and alive, as well as optimistic for the future. I’m not sad just sad for her. I care about her and want the best for her, but I don’t think I can love her like a wife anymore.

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Jason

Joel, I think I can relate to how you are feeling. My situation was a little different in the respect that my wife left and I did not know she was having an affair until the week the divorce was final. She thought at that point it was worth bragging about and that is when I realized that I could no longer love her like a wife either. Just recently I felt so sorry for her and the way tnings have turned out for her so I do understand what you are saying. I too want the best for her but in all honestly I want very little to do with her. As you said, only if they would repent things would have been different but without it there is no hope for working things out. Don’t let the guilt get to you… just be the best person you can and look for areas of improvement as well. Be there for your children and know that they really need you and they are hurting too.

2 Sarah

I completely understand what your going through.. your story is almost exactly like mine only I couldn’t let go and took him back after he moved out of our home. Now he’s living with me and our kids and we pretend everything is good but I know that he’s talking to her again. I pray that eventually I have the strength to do what you did and stand up for myself and my family. A spouse cheating and manipulating is not okay especially when they never fully become repentent and want to change. I wish you the best of luck.

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