Women, Expectations, and Independence

Women, Expectations, and Independence

by Jason Deines

in Dating after Divorce, Featured, Rants and Raves

Since I have been dating, I have come to the conclusion that my previous expectations of women and what I hope to get in return are incorrect. They seem to have led me to making wrong decisions as well as giving me false hope and here is why…

It is interesting how this new era of women seems to make things more complicated and hard to understand (yes, it is the woman’s fault). There is emphasis put on being independent that seems to detract from what I think a relationship should be like. Don’t get me wrong, I think an independent woman is desirable but there are degrees of independence.

I believe it is in my nature, men’s in general, to want to feel like we are needed. We are problem solvers, some of you are handy around the house, and we want to make things easier for the people that are close to us. So what happens when that is taken away or no longer needed? We are asked to “just” listen, things get fixed without us even knowing, and we no longer know what it takes to make things easier for people. Don’t get me wrong, listening is important but couldn’t they say every now and then, “Hey can you help me with this? What would you do?” I think I would have a coronary…

I know I live in a time that there is a possibility that a woman may make more money than me, be smarter (they usually are), and do more on their own. I am actually okay with that but it just seems that not only are they more physically independent but emotionally as well. There used to be a time that they would tell you they care, showed you with a warm hug, or surprised you with a homemade pie. Where is the balance and why am I such a “momma’s boy?”

I really hoped I would not have to learn how to decode my date but I am not sure anymore what to do. What are women thinking? What do they want? I guess for now I must learn to rid myself of typical expectations I once had, change with the times, and just have some fun. The morning text saying, “Hi, have a great day” simply may not happen, no baked goods, no asking for help… I wonder, do women even need us anymore? One last thing – Dating sure does have it’s bad days!


{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Jay

Jason Jason Jason. How feeble are our minds when it comes to women. I am not looking forward to dating at all. I did enough of it before I got married. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know how to talk to women because I really only talked to one for 8 years! Haha, of course I talked with female co-workers, and my wife’s friends. But now its a totally different ball game. Women are out there seeing their potential in the world. The whole “white picket fence, stay at home mom” concept is out the window. More women want to work. Maybe I should consider an arranged marriage, actually wait, I’m not sure I want my mom picking out my wife :)

Jay

2 Jason

Jay, you made me laugh because I was thinking the exact same thing about arranged marriages… even almost mentioned it but thought I might get to much “flack” for it. This one gal said I wasn’t a typical guy because I didn’t have ESPN so “she” could watch basketball. :-) I wasn’t quite sure what to say to that plus I seem to always have my foot in my mouth.

3 Kat

I can’t speak for all of us gals but I can say that things have changed for sure. Before I married I could work on my own car, a ’67 Mustang, and do things around the house. After marriage we sold that car and he took over those tasks. When I found myself alone I had two choices pay someone money to fix things or do it myself. I’m learning to do it myself and loving it. I think that us ladies find joy in being independent because we gave it up with marriage.

Now don’t get me wrong I love you guys and still need help. Most of all I miss having a man to talk to at the end of the day. I’ve been on one date with an ex boyfriend from college it was nice and easy and I have no idea how to even date now.

You men are hard to figure out.

What the heck do you want?

Should I be a strong woman or needy?

I need the garbage disposal changed, any of you guys want to come over and install it?
:-)

4 Jason

Kat, I paid to have my garbage disposal done a month ago. But one thing I can do is move a couch with one arm and a foot. :-)

5 Nici Wasserfall

Hi Jason,
Why can guys not just relax and enjoy the company of another soul (women/girl) whenever, wherever? Women are emotional and most have a 6th sense, because we need it to be good mothers! That does not mean we want to mother guys – my sister is convinced men subconsciously are on the lookout for a “mother to sleep with”. Be honest – Could it be true? We long to be treated with kindness and care. If only you knew how we women wish for that ever elusive knight in shining armour as a soulmate. But, what we are presented with are these males checking us out with either disdain (my mama did’nt treat me right) or with an over-eager expectation of getting something from her because it makes them feel liked, special and so very alive! We want to feel safe in the arms of our husbands, and when we are ill, stressed or just “not in the mood right now”, we do NOT need the “quiet treatment”. You see, this is where men fall out of the bus! If only they could understand that should they give their wives the kindness, care (a cup of tea?) or a backrub or running a bath for her, will save a great deal of tears for both parties later on. The song by Peter Cetera: “I’ll be the man who will fight for your rights, I’ll be the hero you’ve been dreaming of…”. Hmmmm, makes me feel dreamy already. Problem is, there are too many wounded souls in need of healing, both men and women alike. So we reach out towards others to heal the hurts and that will never work. We need healing from God and once we walk the TALK, we can find love from someone who also experienced healing – at Christ’s expence -, not at the expense of another human being. Still, women in distress is one thing, but (way too many) weak, over-dependent, needy men are an embarrassment to the human species. So we leave them to their napping in the chair, their beer, their friends and their sports, to fix our own taps and cars. Regards, Nici.

6 Father_of_2

What to men want?…..What do women want….? Would it be too outrageous to propose that we all want the same general things? To be respected…to feel needed…yes, to be (GASP!!) wanted… I think about what the Bible teaches me to do “Do unto others as you would have done to you” Seems fairly straightforward …. but WAIT!! It says for me to do it. It does NOT say that it will be done unto me. Another verse that I remind myself of is to “..encourage each other and lift each other up..”. After 15.5 years of marriage, and the subsequest divorce, I have found this “encouragement” to be essential both ways. Men and women alike need it. My ex, notwithstanding a special occasion (weddings, etc..) almost NEVER complimented me, encouraged me, or least of all, reinforced the fact that she needed me. It was absolutely one sided. I ran baths, I did the back rubs, I massaged the feet, I brushed the hair (this was relaxing for her), I opened the doors, I pumped the gas….I remembered to specifically get white chocolate instead of dark….I did the “small things” and got almost nothing. It was DIScouraging to say the least. Is it too much to ask for a compliment once in a while? Is it too much to want to be needed by someone? Is it too much to want to be with someone who needs you and is all about only you? I married young and haven’t dated for a LOOONG time. It seems that I too have forgotten how for the most part. I guess in part because I never thought I’d have to do it again. I just…..ugh. I give.

7 Jason

Man and woman were made for one another so why is it they seem to push each other apart with their beliefs that giving and receiving love and affection is a weakness? I mean I really think this is where we are at. What happen to adult relationships, not talking XXX, communicating and sharing? It seems things are one sided these days. Oh well, dating does suck but it is nice to meet new people sometimes and I know that someday God will bless us with the right partner in life.

8 Kat

Okay you men were kind to Nici.
Do I think that men look for a mom kind of woman? Sure just as I looked for a daddy kind of man. Did I want to sleep with dad? Ick no. my dad is a loving man who worked in the same field most of my life. He loved us and took very good care of us. I chose the wrong man but that was what I was looking for just as a man wants a woman who will nest for him. He wants a mother for his children and a nice home to come home to at the end of the day. It doesn’t mean he wants another mommy.

God created us to love each other, respect each other, and stand by each other. Adam and Eve fell very short as we do.

Women are strong beings and we want men to see that but we also need a soft place to land. We need for him to see that we can replace the disposal but we need help moving that sofa. We want to be in bed at the end of the night and talk about our kids without hearing snoring noises.

9 Monique

Feeling like you are needed comes with time and trust… if you want to feel needed you should be available to be needed and not tell your partner, when she is actually in need, that she should “buck up and stop acting like a victim”… Just something to think about. Everybody needs somebody. Sometimes you just have to be a little open minded.

10 Jason

You make a valid point about feelings come in time. Sometimes people can be a bit impatient, especially when they really enjoy the company. The other thing to think about is that people do and say things that hurt and they probably didn’t mean to. Forgive them.

I believe honesty builds trust too, for example; you should never force yourself to like someone because of what others say. That could really hurt a person’s feelings.

I agree everyone needs somebody and some day we will have that person we were intended for. Once we can learn to understand the opposite sex (the best we can), let go of the past, and learn that we need to be vulnerable at times I think things will come a bit more easily.

You sound like an amazing woman and one day you are going to find that man who compliments your life and introduces that “wow” factor; a man that you can give your heart to and it will be easy to love.

11 Jenny

Im so glad i found this website.. these rants help my ever drifting mind feel better. i love this subject and its something I think of a lot. I have always been the type of girl one would call old fashion.. i love being female and enjoyed trying to make my ex feel like a man. I also feel confident in my own abilities and can take care of myself pretty well… here is where my problem came in… i ended up having to play the role of the male and female… I work hard, im a nurse and i love it.. but having dinner on the table every night, the house clean, the bills taken care of, hanging curtains, fixing ovens and still trying to keep yourself looking presentable, all the while trying to stroke the ego of a man who didnt work, and really didnt do anything except make me feel like it wasnt enough… that was rough!! wow. im glad i got that out. haha. heres the thing, at least for me, i have addapted a bit of a “i can do it myself” approach… but its something i would be willing to give up… its not natural to me… but i would have to trust someone. and i would need a bit of patience! dont give up guys!!

12 Jason

Jenny you are so right… there must be balance; give and take; sharing of responsibilities. When it seems we do everything ourselves we don’t have the energy for maintaining our relationships. Both parties have roles to play and they don’t necesarily need to be gender specific. It is about team work and love but still be expected and allowed to be treated like a woman. ;-)

13 Katy

This is good to read from a man’s perspective. Here is another perspective:
I’m an engineer. My gifts are analytical, and I am good with tools. This means that after my husband left me (and our 3 children), I am left to be “everything”. And although it is very difficult, I have found joy in being able to do the things I’m good at (i.e. – building my kids treehouses, fixing up a golf cart for them, building a little shack at the beach etc)– and I get to quit doing the things that I was terrible at (i.e. cooking and cleaning.)

This means that in a traditional sense, I have nothing to offer a man. When I was married, I wasn’t permitted to do the handyman stuff, because my husband wanted that to be his domain. I was left to babysit all the kids and cook terrible meals, while he did the “fun stuff”. (in my mind)

So I’ve come to the realization that if I were ever to be in a relationship again, which is NOT a given, it would have to be someone that I could have fun with. He would have to bring fun and joy to my life, a partner that I could actually work alongside. Not be relegated to the kitchen. I need someone who can say “leave that laundry, let’s go do this fun new thing”

I need a playmate, not a traditional husband. So I’ve contented myself with friends. I know a lot of other single moms, and we have similar thoughts on this. It’s exhausting to raise kids and work all day, and never have any fun.

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