Effects of Divorce on Children

Effects of Divorce on Children

by Jason Deines

in Child Custody and CoParenting, Featured

—Begin Rant—
As I was looking into information on the effects of divorce on children I came across this statement that said parents were concerned about the effects the divorce would have on their children. The problem I have with that is that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. You would think if we were really concerned about how it would affect our children then that number would be much lower that we would find a way to make it work if not for ourselves then for our children. But I guess at this point that is water under the bridge.
—End Rant—

Depending on your child’s age, the effects of divorce on children vary.

Infants can’t understand what is going on but they can feel the tension and change in their parent’s moods and energy.

Preschool children often feel they are the cause of the divorce and experience fear of being alone and abandoned. Denial that things have changed is also common.

School aged children understand more of what is going on within the family. They may experience resentment, grief, anger, and divided loyalties. They have a hard time controlling and dealing with their feelings because of their young age.

Teens, they know it all, they are understand what is going on and they feel angry, guilty, lonely and depressed. Often times they are forced to grow up quicker than they should.

Helping Children Cope with Divorce

One of the most critical things that you can do to help your children cope with divorce is to minimize the conflict between you and your ex. You should never bad mouth them or fight in front of your children.

If your children are old enough you should talk to them about what is happening and how things will look for them. They want to know what their relationship will be with both parents. Some children go into problem solving mode here so be patient and hear them out.

Even though it is not always possible; each parent should have consistent and even day-by-day involvement in their child’s life. When parents set the same rules and are involved the children feel valued and loved.

Change can be hard, especially for children so if at all possible limit the changes in their lives. Try to keep them in the same school, childcare, home, or neighborhood. Even their relationships are important; allow them to see grandma and grandpa and their friends as they normally would.

There are a lot of things that you can do to help your children cope with the effects of divorce. But one of the most critical is how you manage your stress. You need to be able to take care of yourself if you want to take care of your kids. Not only will you feel better but your children will be watching you and they will pick up both the positive and negative ways you deal with stress.

Lastly, use friends and family as a support group during this rough time, not your children.

Source: University of New Hampshire Cooperative Extension – The Effects of Divorce on Children


{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Kat

All of what you’ve written is solid advice the problem comes when the other ex is bitter and angry. He chose to have the affairs and when I put my foot down and filed for divorce he became angry. His mistress/wife is just and bad as he is and they put my child in the middle of it. It leaves my daughter with pain and questions that I don’t want to answer.

I was sitting here tonight thinking about how I should forgive them, God tells us to forgive them, heck He tells us to forgive them over and over again. I wish that I could, I can’t, not yet. I can get stronger and take care of my children and in time forgive. Oh I have forgiven them for the affair but not for the way they put my child in the middle over and over again.

2 Jason

I hate the questions from the little one… My daughter is 6 and tonight she got some bad news from her mom, that she is moving to another state. Well my daughter is mad at me and I am confused by that. I understand that she is angry and doesn’t know how to deal with her emotions but I hope that she will soon see that I am there for her and helping her.

3 paula

Wow! My prayers are with you Jason. It’s funny(not really) when my ex was leaving he assured me that the kids were “resilient” and that it was better for them to grow up in a split home with parents who actually loved one another. Funny- I actually did love him. People like him only care about themselves. They only pretend to care about the kids. But- God is willling and able to heal and redeem his people and their loved ones. I know God will bless incredibly my kids and me, but it won’t be because we are “resilient”. I am reminded of the verse that says that Jesus came that we might have life and have it more abundantly,

4 Jason

I like what you said… being resilient doesn’t mean that we won’t get through things the way we should. We are all screwed up to some extent, me probably more than many, and just because we bounce back we don’t always do it better off or unscarred. Anyhow, my ex just told me she was moving to another state. I have our daughter but I really an scared how this will affect her.

5 Kat

Jason,
She mad at you because it’s safe to be mad at you. I’ve been there with this one. My daughter can yell at me and I take it okay, her dad wouldn’t take it as well as I do.

Parying for both of you

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