Asking Why vs Asking What

Asking Why vs Asking What

by Jason Deines

in Featured, Tips for Coping with Divorce

Why? Is a huge question when it comes to divorce. Why did you cheat on me? Why don’t you love me anymore? Why didn’t God stop this from happening? Why me? There are so many different ways to ask why hoping that the answer will bring some comfort but in reality the answer is rarely comforting.

For example; if you were to ask your spouse (ex) why they don’t love you anymore they are likely going to give you an answer that revolves around everything you did wrong. “because you work too much”, “because you don’t treat me right”, “because I met someone else”. All those answers, and I am sure there are many more, really stink and pierce the heart. Between God, myself and close friends we can usually find areas we need to improve on. We don’t need to hear if from our ex or soon to be.

When faced with an inevitable loss getting the answer to “why” is often too late. If it weren’t – you and your spouse would have sat down months ago and hashed things out; putting together an action plan on how you would improve and fix the relationship.

There are certain reasons we find ourselves asking why. Mostly because we have been hurt, disappointed, or see suffering in others. It is usually after the fact and a lot of damage has already been done. Often times the event is out of our control and there simply is no answer besides the fact we live in a fallen world.

What to do instead

Sometimes getting the answer to why only makes us angrier, more bitter, and depressed but when we change our approach and ask the question “What should I do NOW?” we change our outlook on life. We take responsibility for our lives and seek answers on what to do next. This gives us control of ourselves… “why” hinges on what others say and think and quite often they don’t have it right.

Instead of asking why and feeling like a victim ask yourself, “What should I be doing now?”


{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

1 claire

“I don’t know what I am doing”, is my latest line I spout out. Better than “I don’t know how I am going to do this”. So, I liked your message very much, thank you.
I Pray that I am following the path of Jesus. My answer, to myself and others as to what… Is “I don’t know, I am just following Jesus, one step at a time”. I can only seem to see one step ahead. I Pray that soon I will see a step and a half ahead, but Iam also pleased just to have one step ahead illuminated in Him.
Thank you again.. For all that you do. Claire

2 Jason

Claire… living in the moment – that is where we will find peace. Just live in the moment and know that all will be as God intended, in His time of course.

3 Danny Ray

I have read these stories an I am shocked at the christains these days involved in affairs. My wife an I have 5 children together an have been married for 17 years,when she had an affair with an married man in our church.Since he has devorced an my wife has filled an contiueing her thing with him. But for me Iam still here waiting on her to wake up an come home an put our family back together. Our children ages range from 13 thru 4 years old an I CANT THINK OF THE LIFE OF ME WHY SHE WANT STOP WITH HIM AN PUT THIS FAMILY BACK TOGETHER FOR OUR KIDS SAKE THEY NEED OUR SECURITY OF A MOTHER AN FATHER TOGETHER . An I AM STILL STANDING HERE IN FORGIVENESS TO HER TO SAY COME BACK I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT . I CAN LET ALL THIS GO ITS NOT GOING TO BE EASY BUT IT IS WORTH THE FIGHT FOR OUR CHILDREN. AN I DONT KNOW WHY SHE WANT COME BACK WITH ALL THE CHILDREN THAT WE HAVE AN WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH. IT JUST LEAVES ME IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW IN A STATE OF ONE BIG QUESTION IN MY LIFE WITH NO ANSWERS.. I just like some answers!!!!

4 Jason

Danny, we all want answers but unfortunately we don’t always get them and often times the answers we do get aren’t what we want to hear. Let the burden of “needing” to know off your back and let God work in you and your children. Seek the healing and strength He has for you. Your wife may return in time but don’t let the uncertainty keep you in the state you are in. Live!

5 yemi

My husband walked out on us after cheating on me. Leaving me with 3 kids. Ages 7, 4, and 3 months. It hurts so bad n I get so scared of what to dol, why he did what he did. I cry everyday and wonder what I did wrong, asking God for help to live every day. God is helping, but some days I feel so weak and tired of life generally not sure what to do next.

6 Jason

Don’t take his sin and blame yourself, you did not do anything wrong and it is those kind of thoughts that will drag you down. You will be okay, things will work out and you will find happiness again.

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