Teen Parenting: Right vs Wrong

by Jason Deines

in Questions & Answers

Submitted by Melissa

Hi – First thank you for your website, I can see (and appreciate) all the work you have poured into the site to help others. I want to get a male perspective (other than my husband) about my situation.
About a year ago my son (then 16) became interested in a girl, at first as a friend. My husband became heavily involved, where he started arranging dates for them, writing things for my son to say to the girl, checking my son’s facebook account for messages from the girl, making sure my son answered right away. From there, the affection increased over the summer and my husband invited the girlfriend to go on our family vacation without telling me. By summer’s end my son and his girlfriend became intimate. My husband talked about the girl much of the time. My husband helped my son purchase expensive gifts for his girlfriend and arranged hotel rooms for my son to visit her when she went to college (4 hours away). Despite my objections my son went to visit her everyweek. Money has been no object purchasing gifts for this girl, and currently my husband allows them to spend their nights together in my son’s room despite my strong objections. The girlfriend has transferred back to a local college, and spends one night during the week, and often weekends. My husband has forbidden me from discussing the sexual issue with my son. It has become unbearable at my house. When I told my husband that I was ready to leave our marriage, he asked me to wait until our son graduated, that I would upset his senior year. His only focus was how this would affect our son. Not about our relationship. So I have been silently enduring what has been going on in the house. I have never said anything unkind to my son, or to his girlfriend.(yes, I have said some very unkind things to my husband) I don’t want to give you the impression that I am a saint. The house has been a battleground and I feel like the moral minority. Last weekend when my husband asked me what my plans were I told him that I planned to honor my promise to stay til graduation, but that I was leaving. He doesn’t understand. That how can just this one issue ruin our marriage. We have been married 22 years, but this past year has been like living with someone else. Is it me? We are both Christians (although my husband stopped going to church last spring), and I always thought we would be “on the same page” when it came to our children. Any insite or advice would be helpful.


{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

1 Jason

Obviously sex outside of marriage should not be promoted, especially with teens. Having sex at a young age has its consequences and I know that I regret it at times. It will open the door to so many things, IMHO. From what you have told me it sounds like “dad” is a bit to involved and maybe trying to make things more serious than they should be at such a young age. Teens should be having fun and wait for serious commitment until after college. Again IMHO. I would agree with you on pretty much everything you have said and if possible you and your husband should take a parenting class where you can come together and set common goals for your son.

I don’t know if divorce is the answer either. I recommend seeking outside help and doing whatever you can to save your relationship with your husband and make it better.

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