Father isn’t Involved in Kid’s Life

by Jason Deines

in Questions & Answers

Submitted by Elizabeth

It’s been a year since my ex walked out on the girls and I and he had not make any effort to call or make arrangement to see the girls. That really hurts. How easily he severed all ties with his own flesh and blood? Is it easier for men to detach themselves once they are in another relationship? He used to be the best dad to the girls and now have not bothered to see them at all. I can’t understand the drastic turnabout in his behavior. What would cause him to behavior this way? Could it be the guilt and shame towards us because he committed adultery and had initiated the divorce that he doesn’t even want to see the girls? What should I do? I have asked the girls if they would like me to contact him to make arrangement for them to meet up with him but they are so hurt they don’t ever want to see him again. Should I respect their decision? The girls are 8 and 16.


{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Jason

I read a study last week about the changing roles of parenting and it touched on why men walk away from their families altogether. I don’t know if it is true or not but some of it made sense. It is an all or nothing mentallity. If they can’t be the father they are supposed to be and merely a child support check then they tend to cut all ties. How a man could do this without crying himself to sleep every night is beyond me but society is changing. Nevertheless, I think your 16 year old is old enough to make up her mind but I think that if he is will then there should be rebuilding of the relationships. I would take it slow, maybe even not let the girls be alone with him until they feel more comfortable. They may be angry and hurt and I think they need to let him know. Maybe they could write their thoughts and feelings in a letter and mail it to him. I think if there is any hope in restoring their relationship with their dad then you should try, especially since it has been so long. However, you can’t force him to do it and you don’t need him around if he is going to have a bad attitude about it.

Disclaimer: I am not a child counselor so please don’t take my word for it. :-) Just my thoughts on the subject.

Check this out: http://www.walkingthechristianlife.com/resources/second-chances-parenting.pdf

2 brian

never forget the power of prayer to restore and rebuild. Other than that it would be a bad idea for any of us to give you concrete advice. I know from my personal situation, my wife left me and has now remarried. I gave it my all to work things out with her. God did do some amazing things to bring a certain level of healing between us. When we were married I took on her two kids and took them as my own. I still see them every week. This has actually hurt my dating life but I will never crush those kids by walking away from them. I can’t say what God has for you but who knows there may be a Godly man to come into your life that will take them in as their own. Maybe God wants to restore you marriage? All things are possible with him. seek him first and then everything else will be added to you. There are testimonies out there of marriages restored after years of no contact. Do no limit the possiblities just because you can’t see them right now.

3 Elizabeth

Hi Jason

Thanks for your advice. I myself often wonder how could he even be able to find peace after all he had done. Its not helping much to hear not only is he enjoying his wayward life but have taken to indulgence by buying himself a BMW and starting a new family with the adulteress! Wonder where is God, how could God allows him to ignore the needs of his children and satisfy his lust of the flesh and eyes. I have to constantly chase him for payments towards the children’s insurance and
other matters. Times like this I’m glad the girls would want nothing to do with him cause he doesn’t deserve them. How am I to forgive and let go? I so much wanted to see him repent and recognize what he had done, yet God is blessing him and as a result he continue to sink deeper into sin. It gets more difficult to forgive and move on, in such situation how could it even be possible for me to want to consider reconciliation, after all the hurt he had caused and still inflicting….
consider restoration.

4 Jason

I used to think that God was blessing my ex after the divorce. She appeared to be so happy, new car, new boy friend, tanning, etc. but then I realized it isn’t God that is blessing her she is simply living in the world. Eventually I began to get calls from her creditors wanting their money. Her house of cards had fallen down.

I would recommend that you not look at his life because it may be smoke and mirrors and count your blessings, God has big plans for you but it may not include a BMW :-) at least not yet. I feel for your girls that are missing out on a good father role model and I feel for your ex who is missing out on their growing up. I pray that things improve for you and hang in there.

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