Changing Your Spouse

Learn to Change Your Spouse

by Jason Deines

in Featured, Life After Divorce

Over the years I have heard that people don’t change, that they are incapable of it but I have looked back on my life and it seems to be constantly changing, evolving into the person that God wants me to be. Filled with light and darkness, hate and love, selfishness and selflessness, bitterness and forgiveness.

I remember before my daughter was born I really did not care for children much. Then Madalyn, my daughter, came along and the next thing I know I am crying at movies like “Bolt” and “Astro Boy”.

I understand what it is like to deal with a temper tantrum in the middle of the store. The point is – God brought a wonderful blessing into my life to help me to grow, to soften my heart, and fill me with love and compassion.

When going through a divorce we often want to change our partners mind, we want to work things out, we want forgiveness or we want them to stop going down the road they have chosen. We don’t get married thinking that the love of our life is going to break our hearts. At some point they changed, they have been beaten down by the world into believing that what they do is okay.

Many of us have tried to change our spouse only to fail. They are either too blind or they simply don’t care. When we look back on our lives we can see that it took major life changing events to change us. Sometimes it was a blessing, such as having a child, other times it was hitting rock bottom, broke, and drunk with nowhere to turn.

Change comes with a choice and until your spouse choosing to change it won’t happen but that doesn’t mean you are helpless. For starters don’t be an enabler and turn them over to God and the bible even says to satan when they are consumed with sinful behavior. 1 Corinthians 5:5 says, “Then you must throw this man out and hand him over to Satan so that his sinful nature will be destroyed and he himself will be saved on the day the Lord returns.” (NLT)

The point is you can’t change your spouse! The only person you have any control over is you. Focus on you and what you can do to make your life better, more fulfilled. Other people can’t do that for you. Rely on God and the people He puts in your life to help you through tough times and look for opportunities to grow. With God working on your spouse and you working on yourself you never know what may happen.


{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Kat

I’ve had this conversation with my daughter. He dad makes everything a difficult as possible. So we use the serenity prayer. I’ve talked to her about how he uses her against me. It will only work if we let it work. He’s been like this for all the years that I’ve known him my guess is that he isn’t change’n
Thank you
Kat

2 Jason

The Serentity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

3 joy

I agree tha we cannot change our spouses. The question is how do you know when it is time to move on with your life? I have heard of this advice 11 years ago and up to this day, the same bad habits and patterns of behaviors are in my spouse. To make matters worse, he is oblivous of his wrongdoings. Marriage should be a union that help each other grow spiritually. Even if my husband thinks he is a Christian, he is still compromising with the world. It is affecting our whole family’s spiritual welfare and despite counselling by our pastor, it just goes through a vicious cycle of fights and making up (with each conflict leaving me more discouraged than the last).

4 Jason

Joy, our lives are always evolving and I don’t think that our spouse should hold us back from that. Sometimes we grow faster or interests change and eventually our partner gets the idea and follows suit. I understand what you are saying and I am not a counselor but I will share my opinion.

*If you and your husband have good communication then I would discuss this with him. Is he willing to change some of the things you don’t like? If so then you may have to point them out, in a loving way, “honey you are doing it again.”

*Some things you may just have to accept as that is just the way your husband is. We all have a few of those and they can be annoying but once you accept them it makes it easier.

*Fighting… lets say arguing or even better, discussions should be about important things and they should lead to an understanding or compromise. If there is a ligitimate gripe then I would listen to it, if not I wouldn’t play. But I also would not get bitter or hold a grudge. Remember it takes two and sometimes not going there is the best option. Today I am not going to argue… “love you baby but I don’t feel like arguing today.”

I know I have simplified matters and I don’t understand the details but I don’t think we should waste our energy on the negative.

*Yes, the man should be the spiritual leader of the home. If he is not then you need to pray for him and ask God to work in His heart but keep pursuing God yourself. I think it will pay off in the long run.

*Work on some of your issues. We all have them and the only people we can truly change are ourselves.

Lastly, remember these words: Love, Acceptance, Faith, and Forgiveness.

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