Justification for Adultery

by Jason Deines

in Questions & Answers

Submitted by Jay

Hey All,

Just have a quick question. Its regarding infidelity in a marriage. If your spouse decides to separate from you, and then say after 4 months of leaving you and dating someone else, you find out that she has been sleeping with him, would that be considered infidelity? According to my wife, since she left me, we weren’t together and therefore, having intimacy with her boyfriend was okay. To me, this seems to be a form of justification for what she did. I would like to know any opinions on this. I did want to work on my marriage, but after hearing this, and all the lies of denying it, i think the straw finally broke the camels back. For a while now, i’ve been praying to God to guide me to what I need to do. Its crazy how we get our answers, never the way we expect. Anyways, your thoughts on what i described, if that would be considered infidelity. Thank you and God Bless.


{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Jason

Jay, in my opinion there is not doubt that she committed adultery. Just because you were “on a break” doesn’t mean that we can go screwing around. Which is sexual sin also. Neither are condoned by God. She is is justifying – rationalizing but it is what it is.

2 brian

I stop in here from time to time. I used to be so pro marriage I thought only restoration was the right thing. I have decided to let go and let God. I did much studies of the scriptures and various commentaries on the subject. My wife remarried and I feel now it is time to let go. God did some healing between us though where we are actually friends. She regrets what she has done and wishes she never did it now. What your wife has done is adultery. No doubt. Divorce is allowed for two reasons. sexual sin and if an unbeliever walks out but it is not required. Unless you did one of those two things she had no right to be with another man. Even if she did it is still sexual sin. However if she is willing to commit back to the marriage God can help you to forgive her. I still am pro-marriage and do believe if at all possible marriage should be saved you see. I just feel in my situation I can let go. I gave my wife over 2 years to come back. Prayed and prayed for her. I do believe God worked in her heart to some degree. Pray and seek God. He may just change your mind about your divorce. You do have grounds for divorce but always remember how much God forgave you. 7×77 times. Jesus always points back to God’s original plan for marriage. Read mathew chatpers 5 and 19, mark 10 and 1 corinthians 7.

3 Jay

Yeah I knew it was adultery, maybe part of me was hoping it wasn’t haha. Its really weird. I can’t even look at her the same. I have no desire to hold or touch her anymore. Especially since the guy she was with was once a friend of mine. Man I’m so confused. Have you ever asked God for something, and He gave you your answer, but now your even more confused than before? I just don’t know what to do now. Do I stay, or do I file. I have to consider my son in this decision too. I know I have grounds to file, but I also have a promise to keep to God regarding marriage. But if my wife broke the covenant we made with God, is that covenant still valid? Its funny, some people think that once they turn their life over to Jesus, life is gonna be all roses and sunshine. Oh well

4 Jason

Brian… Good to see you and I agree.

Jay, if you can forgive your wife then “yes” work it out. Right now it may not be the time to decide what you should do because everything is so raw. You have to work through the anger, hurt and the violation of trust. If both you and your wife wholeheartedly run after God and repair the damage I believe that you will have a blessed marriage and family, which is great for your child and your testimony. BUT, there is a reason God allows divorce from adultry and I imagine part of the reason is how much it hurts. There is no need to rush into things. In time you will know what your answer is. And Jay, is she trying to make this work or are you the one doing it all??

BTW: I sent you my email so feel free to contact me.

5 Jay

Brian, thank you so much for your response. I’m very sorry to hear about your situation. Seems like your ex-wife lost a very good Godly man. I can’t imagine the hurt and pain you dealt with for those 2 years. I have already forgiven my wife and the man she was with. I did it the minute I found out about her infidelity. I’ve said it before, its nearly impossible for me to harden my heart towards someone no matter what they have done against me. To answer your question Jason, its still me doing everything. She is quick to burst at anger towards me. Anytime she is upset at me, she is quick to tell me “i knew this wasn’t going to work out, i’m gonna move out”. But she never leaves. I don’t mind waiting if i knew that she was trying to work on us. But she is quick to blame me for everything, but everything she does is justified, some way or another. It is honestly killing my spirit, but I love God so much, I want to make this work. I know that God will understand if I decide to call it quits, but I am pro marriage as well. Just feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. I want to move on but feel stuck. I’ve suggested marriage counselling and she has no interest. And I know she is still talking to that guy. I almost feel like saying, “You need to make a choice, its either me or him.” How are we supposed to work things out when she is still talking to him? Anyways, I will keep praying and focusing my energy on my son and myself. I know I am where God wants me to be. By doing this, I am hoping it will give her the space she needs to find God. Please keep her in your prayers. Your brother in Christ.

Jay

6 Jason

I can’t imagine being in that kind of situation. I fear for you Jay. I am sure you know what I am getting at. Somehow you need to find a way to not let this bring you down too much. This experience is building you up greatly and you will be a better man for it and I pray that God will open your wife’s eyes so she can see the true love you are showing her.

On a side note: I would struggle too if my wife was continuing to talk to an ex lover. It doesn’t make sense to me and I don’t see how you can work things out if she continues to do so. Time will reveal what will happen… You know what Jay? Call your ex friend and tell him that he should not be doing this, that he needs to stop communication with your wife, ask him to respect your request and your family that it may be restored. — I don’t know… Praying…

7 Danny Ray

Well I am in the same boat so to speak ,me an my wife has been maried for 17 years now with 5 children an our ages are 36 years old . An she has had an affair with a man in our church since now he has devorced an my wife is still involved with him. She says everything is my fault . She puts the blame on me for haveing sex with him going to see him an all that. She has told this lie so much that she is right by devorceing me ,that she believes that god is okay with this . She is so deceived into thinking its okay that they go to chiurch together as a couple an take my kids in front of him at church an other places they go . Then she will do all that an then get on face book an write all kind of scriptures on there an talk about how good god is an stuff like that. But as for me I am like the Father waiting on the prodical son to come home ,its tuff some days but being alone without a wife an best freind but I am still hanging on gods word an seeking after his hand of restoration in my marriage. So brother I need all the prayer I can get an all the encouragment aswell.

8 Jay

Danny Ray,

My brother, my heart and prayers go out to you. I know it isn’t easy with what you are dealing with. Although he wasn’t my best friend, he was still a friend. Listen man, she will do whatever she pleases to do and justify it by blaming you for her doing it. That’s what my wife said to me. It was because of me that she ran to someone else. Don’t believe for a minute. Move on my friend. Move on to Jesus and the power of His healing. No one of this earth can help you. But your bible and prayer will. My wife has decided to have her family again with this guy, while I am left with nothing, earthly. What I have lost on this earth, I have gained eternally. Keep steadfast in prayer, and always ask God for His wisdom. And always, rebuke Satan in the name of Jesus’ blood. I can’t stress that enough. You will be fine my brother, just keep trusting God and His promise for His children. God Bless.

Jay

9 Donna

You people break my heart with your kindness. Thankyou all so much for forgiving people who have betrayed you. My husband had been into sexual sin from a young age and things got pretty horrific in my marriage, many affairs on his part, me angry and offended, etc. God broke me and showed me all my sins when I left him. I saw clearly how evil I had been, how selfish and controlling etc. I honestly can see why he wanted out. After a while of being heavily in the presence of God, I chose to love him with physical actions, gifts, acts of service, prayer, one night one of his many girlfriends called him while he was out to dinner with us, and he admitted to me yet another affair while we were supposed to be reconciling. I put my arm around him, and said, “I forgive you.” I literally felt right then as if Jesus Christ Himself sat in my body. I will never forget that time I truly loved. I have done many things wrong, but even after all my failures, the kind things I did despite his rejection of me broke him and softened him. He still tells me I am a good woman, and won’t let people speak badly of me. Things aren’t working out between us, but I know that my choice to love my enemy impacted him deeply and softened his heart. To love those who betray us in the deepest possible way is the way of the Father. Love never fails. You guys inspire me. I still see marriage as a way of reflecting God’s love to the world. Because I learned this lesson in my marriage, it overflowed into the rest of my life, and years ago if people had said things that were offensive I would have really struggled to show love. But since this, I have been able to love people who were broken and swearing at me etc, and help absolutely win them back to the Lord. It truly is all about love. People are afraid that if they show unconditional love to their spouses, they will lose out. And yes you do suffer when they reject you, but it breaks them. That’s what broke me, when I spend time with the Lord and He just loves me, it makes me just give up and surrender to Him. Not Him separating Himself from me.

Edited

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