Qualities to Look for in a Mate

Qualities to Look for in a Mate

by Jason Deines

in Dating after Divorce, Featured

Qualities to look for in a mate obviously differ from person to person and knowing what you are looking for presents its own challenges. I know when I started dating after divorce I was uncertain about the type of woman I wanted to be with – we all have our dream person but then reality has a way of slapping us in the face – fairy tales only exist in story books.

If you are like me and all you know is one failed relationship after another you need to learn how to break the cycle before taking another step. I was determined to do just that and the first step is admitting that I am flawed. My self-esteem was almost non-existent and I lacked healthy communication skills required to have a loving and kind relationship. Before you ever step foot in the dating arena you need to take a self-inventory of you flaws and strengths. You need to deal with any emotional baggage from the past, let it go and forgive. Free yourself from pity, victim mentality and learn to love who you are. As you look at yourself in a new light improving on the person you are you will become more and more emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy thus changing the qualities you desire in a mate.

Top Qualities to Look for in a Mate

Here are my top qualities to look for in a mate and I think they can apply to both sexes. Remember, you should have these too…

  • Positive Outlook – I love being around positive people because they know that there is light at the end of the tunnel land they focus on that light. Life is just so much better when you are smiling and positive.
  • Confident – Being confident is appealing to both sexes. Confidence stems from believing in one’s self and having the drive to succeed even if mistakes are made.
  • Similar Interests – Do you like camping and hunting? Then your partner should like it too. If you love boating and your partner is terrified of the water it might create issues. Of course we can have our own interests but amongst the major ones there should be some commonality, especially if your “Love Language” is quality time.
  • Sense of Humor – I have often heard that one of the major attractions for women is a good sense of humor. Personally, I think this is a great quality to have in a mate, in fact, my wife has a great sense of humor; she has too if she is to put up with me.
  • Personality – We all have a unique personality and some personalities clash – life has taught us this, thus it takes time to get to know if your personalities will clash or if you were made for each other. Even though my wife is an extrovert and I am an introvert we are able to manage it because we understand how one another are and it strengthens our relationship. What personality traits are important to you?
  • Lifestyle – Lifestyle expands on the similar interests but includes healthy eating, being physically active, time spent watching TV, drinking habits, etc. You can’t expect to change anyone after starting a serious relationship so living a similar lifestyle is very important.
  • Communication Skills – Without healthy communication no relationship will reach its full potential. Learning how to communicate is essential before marriage and it starts with listening.
  • Self-Improvement – Even though I have come a long way I know that I have many areas for self-improvement. I want to be a good Christian, husband, father and employee; however, I have plenty of self-defeating behaviors and beliefs that get in the way. Even though I might act like I know a lot, I typically find I really just know enough to get into trouble, so for me continuous self-improvement is important for myself and my wife.
  • Similar Beliefs – Similar beliefs is probably the most important of all. When it comes to financial, parenting and spiritual beliefs you need to be on the same page. As a Christian, marrying a Muslim wouldn’t be the best decision (worst either) I could make. This is where communication and time come into play. The only way to really get to know what a person believes is to get to know them.

These qualities to look for in a mate are from my personal experience. Yours may be very different and that is okay. I feel these areas are very important when it comes to making a relationship work. It took me a long time before I was able to understand what I was looking for in a mate but it became much easier after I understood myself. As I tried the online dating through Match.com (where I met my wife) I was able to fine tune the areas of my life that still needed work and learn more about what I was looking for in a mate.


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