Dazed and Confused

by Jason Deines

in Questions & Answers

Submitted by MG

I do not want to be bitter or resentful. I am currently in the process of a divorce from a 12 year marriage where my spouse started a two year extramarital affair and moved into his mistresses home with her six year old son five months ago. His mistress was also married when their affair began, but is now divorced. I suspect my husband was a major factor in her divorce. My spouse and I have a 19 year old and a six year old son as well. Our 19 year old and myself we notified of his leaving and the public affair via FACEBOOK posts between he, this woman, his co-workers, and her family members. I was devastated. He now insists on my son spending time with he and his new family. My son is confused. My daughter is hurt and feels that her mother and brother have been replaced. She also questions the character of the father she once knew. She says he did everything he taught her not to do, and “loves” someone he taught her not to be. My soul hurts, and I don’t know how to deal with having my children and their feelings of hurt and shame. I am also the product of divorced parents, so I can personally relate to the pain my children feel. I don’t know how to help, and I am struggling to support them and deal with this Is it wrong for me not to want my son to visit with his father and his former mistress and her son in their home? I don’t want to be selfish or interfere with my son’s relationship with his father. They are not married, but I suspect that he will marry her once he files for divorce. He is waiting for the end to the bankruptcy case we filed 4.8 years ago. I didn’t want to file, but he pressured me and now he wants a fresh start.

I am struggling financially as he does not pay any child support and won’t until he files for divorce. I don’t have the money to file for divorce at this time. I also am struggling with their apparent success. They bought a new house, new cars, have gone on vacation . She is a youth minister and he says God has called him to ministry as well. I am confused. He says his job is to assist me with our children if I ask him, but he will not answer phone calls. I can only contact him via e-mail or text. I am struggling not to be bitter, angry, and resentful. I am hurt, betrayed, and feel like a throw away.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

1 Jason

I understand your feelings and what you are saying. There is a lot of pain, confusion, uncertainty and mixed feelings in your life right now. I wish I could give you the answers but it is going to take time. Divorce will leave scars on everyone but that doesn’t mean God won’t bring about good. Continue to pray for your children and let the bitterness go. Pray that God will fill your heart with love and wisdom for your future. Taps resources at your church or talk to a counselor, friend or family member whom you can trust. One of the biggest things that helped me was simply talking about how I felt. The future is unknown however, we do know that God loves us and wants good things for us. We just need to get out of the way and wait for Him to show the way.

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