Broken things can be made useful!
Many of us, most likely all of us, have been in a marriage that was unhealthy, dysfunctional, and sometimes abusive. As time went on we may have fallen victim to what our partner would say and do to us. We come to believe that we are weak, that we are the cause, that we are worthless, that we are failures, and that we are monsters.
This is often referred to as verbal and psychological abuse but I tend to try and steer clear of labels because they are broad and I think that we all at one time or another can be “labeled”. I think that two people get in a cycle and treat each other inappropriately. For one reason or another there is a communication break down and healthy communication is not practiced by either party until eventually one person breaks down and starts to believe the other. We start letting our spouse define who we are. We lose our identity, our self-esteem, and our ability to stand up for ourselves.
Over time our spouse may leave because they found someone else or we wake up and try to stand up for ourselves only to find the situation worse. In order to cope one person leaves the relationship.
After my divorce I went to counseling for a long time because I believed that I was a monster. I had heard it so much that I believed it and I could not handle viewing myself in a way that was contrary to my inner most being. I let my ex’s perception of me define who I was. I was in turmoil because I felt that I was a loving person, that I had a good heart. I did not want to accept that I was a monster because then it was all my fault the marriage failed and nobody would ever want to be with me.
As time passed I came to realize, with the help of the counselor, that some people project their poor behavior onto others. Some people are victims and blame everyone else for their problems and even though I had made many mistakes I was not the monster I was made out to be. I was an imperfect human being that had much to learn about relationships.
It isn’t others who define us; it is God and what we allow Him to do in our lives. God says we are sinners, yet we are His children. We are called to love our neighbor as ourselves and to worship Him. We are called to be more Christ-like. We are a process, a diamond in the rough, whom someday will be great.
Each day we have the opportunity to learn from our mistakes. We can change our lives and build our character… There is a saying out there that people don’t change. I just can’t accept that, because many of the people I care about, including me, would be bitter, hateful, liars. God defines us by giving us a new heart and mind for Him and others. Granted this takes work and time to grow but we must tend the garden. We must pursue the kingdom and the desires of God. Our past may haunt us at times, people may try to hold us down but these things DON’T define us.
Break the chains of being a victim and enter a new life of peace, confidence, and love through our God. We are heirs; we are children of the Almighty! We do not walk through life with our heads held low in shame and fear because of our mistakes or what others say about us. Take hold of who you truly are and live as such, with your head held high.
“So let us do all we can to live in peace. And let us work hard to build each other up.” Romans 14:19
Driving home from work last week, I found myself behind one of those cars that was plastered with “peace” type bumper stickers. As it made for good reading, while sitting at the stop light, I began to think about how peace was a nice concept but it simply isn’t human nature. On a grand scale, peace is elusive and there is always a need for peacemakers, in fact I think that most people want peace and that is how the anti-christ will establish a hold on the world, through the promise of peace. True peace doesn’t come until after Jesus comes back and establishes His kingdom upon this earth but that doesn’t mean we can’t desire peace and work towards peace on a smaller personal scale.
Peace with our ex should be a priority in our lives, especially if there are children involved but it can be difficult to obtain such peace with a person that was closer than any other in our lives. Our hearts were broken, trust was lost, and we were faced with hopelessness and pain. So how do you have peace with a person that caused you so much pain? It has to start with a desire to do God’s will. He calls us to live in peace and that doesn’t mean with just the people we like.
Here are a few requirements that I think help achieve peace with an ex-spouse:
- Peace requires acceptance of the situation.
- Peace requires seeing your ex as a human being capable of making mistakes, just like you.
- Peace requires a change of heart that only God can provide.
- Peace requires forgiveness.
- Peace requires the power of God’s love flowing through you.
- Peace requires selflessness.
- Peace requires you to think before you speak and to say what the Holy Spirit wishes and not your flesh.
- Peace requires making a choice – a choice to do all the above and live in peace.
As I wrap things up I would like to share something my daughter brought home from her Kindergarten Sunday school class that talks about peace (credit goes to The reThink Group).
- Some people may think that making peace is lame, but God says that peacemakers are better off than hot heads. Peacemakers usually have stronger friendships, live with less stress, and they live like God says to. Remember that making peace doesn’t make you weak; it makes you stronger!
- People who pick fights all the time instead of learning to live in peace usually end up bitter, crabby people with few real friends. But as for peacemakers, God says they have a great future – one filled with contentment and good friends who can talk stuff out. Making peace doesn’t make you weak; it makes your future brighter!
- Sometimes we don’t make peace because we are scared. We may think people will make fun of us or try to take advantage of us, but God reminds us that He is on our team!
- Making peace makes you strong. It’s true. But you need to remember that the strength comes from God. He is the one wiho will give you the courage to stop the fight or the strength to walk away. And when God is on your side, you can do anything!
Now it is obvious that since this handout was given to a toddler it was intended for something different than finding peace with your ex after divorce, but it is so easy to read these and apply them to the way we think and feel. We can have peace and be at peace with anyone, even our ex-spouse.
Have you ever wondered about the dynamics of relationships? There are so many things to consider and “feelings” can really get in the way and mess things up. When looking into building new relationships it is important to keep your feelings under control and learn what you can about other people. This requires communication and listening (No, texting doesn’t count)!
One thing you might learn is that for one reason or another a relationship might develop that is superficial, lacks substance. It is nice to talk to one another but there is no deep personal understanding of who each other is. Introverts such as myself whom thrive off a few intimate relationships may struggle with the façade of maintaining a superficial relationship. What’s the point?
I think about my relationship with God… if it were superficial I would be completely lost and hopeless. The more I know Him the better off I will be. I am not talking about knowing what is right or wrong but knowing the love, grace, and the promises of God. I would opt for a personal relationship any day of the week rather than one that will fade with time. Personal relationships have a tendency to build character, provide joy, sorrow, and connect people.
When you look at superficial relationships it can be kind of discouraging. There is fear of commitment, fear of love, fear of being hurt, and fear of releasing control of one’s life. For what it is worth the only good superficial thing we can have is a flesh wound.
For many, dating is far from your mind but there are those that have found this site after being divorced some time looking for additional information and since this is journal about my life I like to share experiences I have along the way with lessons learned.
It was about a year after my divorce that I thought I was ready to date and to my surprise I was so NOT ready. Sitting there with a young lady over a cup of coffee I could feel that it was too early. I still had too many unresolved issues and I did not want to get hurt again or lead anyone on. BTW: signs of being not ready include thinking and talking about your EX!
Time passed quickly and I found myself going out on several more dates; meeting new people only to come to the same conclusion – I was not ready! So now it has been over 3 years and I know I am ready, the door has been opened and things actually feel right.
Now it is all about finding the right person. Normal dating dictates that it is a numbers game, you ask many people out hoping to narrow it down as time passes. Of course not everyone will say “yes” so that makes things a bit easier, however you have to be ready for rejection and I think at my age I can handle that – it wouldn’t be the first time and most certainly the last. However, I am not really into normal dating, it just feels unnatural and I don’t want to make the same mistakes I did before. I pray that God would guide us and bring us together in His time. I kind of thought I experienced an encounter such as this a few weeks ago but I still had to test the waters. Satan is tricky and he can manipulate circumstances, he has been doing it for a very long time and he is good at it.
As I got to know this person I realized that she is great but I also feel that we are unequally yoked when it comes to our walk with Jesus. Granted I am no super Christian but my relationship with God does play a major role in my life. Many people claim to be Christians but if it isn’t noticeable on the outside then it may not be on the inside. That is not to say that it won’t happen someday but I don’t think that it is our job to bring that upon them – our mate should be in similar place we are (don’t you think?).
Reminds me of when I married my wife while I disregarded the red flags thinking, “We are both Christian, it will work out.” No matter how great looking they may be or smart or how much money they have we must keep our wits about us, we must learn as much as we can before letting our feelings take over. If we allow our feelings to make our decisions we are in big trouble and that is what I am finding out. Feelings deceive and sometimes you need to walk away and let them go.
I took a long time working on my issues, as God revealed them to me. Some I just had to accept but I have a realistic view of who I am and how God views me. We should expect our relationships to be different and better because we have grown a great deal after our divorce. If there is doubt and if there is a nervousness that won’t go away it may be a warning and it may mean breaking things off and letting go. If it was meant to be they will come back and if not then you can be grateful that a huge mistake was avoided.
I found that dating is a hard but there is a lot you can get from it because as I have practiced communicating I have received feedback that I have been able to put into practice in my daily life. God uses people to reveal things to us and it is a great learning experience. Try not to fear dating, don’t lead people on, don’t look for someone to save, always be honest, feelings come later, and seek God’s guidance.
2 Corinthians 6:14
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
