Broken things can be made useful!
Many of us, most likely all of us, have been in a marriage that was unhealthy, dysfunctional, and sometimes abusive. As time went on we may have fallen victim to what our partner would say and do to us. We come to believe that we are weak, that we are the cause, that we are worthless, that we are failures, and that we are monsters.
This is often referred to as verbal and psychological abuse but I tend to try and steer clear of labels because they are broad and I think that we all at one time or another can be “labeled”. I think that two people get in a cycle and treat each other inappropriately. For one reason or another there is a communication break down and healthy communication is not practiced by either party until eventually one person breaks down and starts to believe the other. We start letting our spouse define who we are. We lose our identity, our self-esteem, and our ability to stand up for ourselves.
Over time our spouse may leave because they found someone else or we wake up and try to stand up for ourselves only to find the situation worse. In order to cope one person leaves the relationship.
After my divorce I went to counseling for a long time because I believed that I was a monster. I had heard it so much that I believed it and I could not handle viewing myself in a way that was contrary to my inner most being. I let my ex’s perception of me define who I was. I was in turmoil because I felt that I was a loving person, that I had a good heart. I did not want to accept that I was a monster because then it was all my fault the marriage failed and nobody would ever want to be with me.
As time passed I came to realize, with the help of the counselor, that some people project their poor behavior onto others. Some people are victims and blame everyone else for their problems and even though I had made many mistakes I was not the monster I was made out to be. I was an imperfect human being that had much to learn about relationships.
It isn’t others who define us; it is God and what we allow Him to do in our lives. God says we are sinners, yet we are His children. We are called to love our neighbor as ourselves and to worship Him. We are called to be more Christ-like. We are a process, a diamond in the rough, whom someday will be great.
Each day we have the opportunity to learn from our mistakes. We can change our lives and build our character… There is a saying out there that people don’t change. I just can’t accept that, because many of the people I care about, including me, would be bitter, hateful, liars. God defines us by giving us a new heart and mind for Him and others. Granted this takes work and time to grow but we must tend the garden. We must pursue the kingdom and the desires of God. Our past may haunt us at times, people may try to hold us down but these things DON’T define us.
Break the chains of being a victim and enter a new life of peace, confidence, and love through our God. We are heirs; we are children of the Almighty! We do not walk through life with our heads held low in shame and fear because of our mistakes or what others say about us. Take hold of who you truly are and live as such, with your head held high.
“So let us do all we can to live in peace. And let us work hard to build each other up.” Romans 14:19
Driving home from work last week, I found myself behind one of those cars that was plastered with “peace” type bumper stickers. As it made for good reading, while sitting at the stop light, I began to think about how peace was a nice concept but it simply isn’t human nature. On a grand scale, peace is elusive and there is always a need for peacemakers, in fact I think that most people want peace and that is how the anti-christ will establish a hold on the world, through the promise of peace. True peace doesn’t come until after Jesus comes back and establishes His kingdom upon this earth but that doesn’t mean we can’t desire peace and work towards peace on a smaller personal scale.
Peace with our ex should be a priority in our lives, especially if there are children involved but it can be difficult to obtain such peace with a person that was closer than any other in our lives. Our hearts were broken, trust was lost, and we were faced with hopelessness and pain. So how do you have peace with a person that caused you so much pain? It has to start with a desire to do God’s will. He calls us to live in peace and that doesn’t mean with just the people we like.
Here are a few requirements that I think help achieve peace with an ex-spouse:
- Peace requires acceptance of the situation.
- Peace requires seeing your ex as a human being capable of making mistakes, just like you.
- Peace requires a change of heart that only God can provide.
- Peace requires forgiveness.
- Peace requires the power of God’s love flowing through you.
- Peace requires selflessness.
- Peace requires you to think before you speak and to say what the Holy Spirit wishes and not your flesh.
- Peace requires making a choice – a choice to do all the above and live in peace.
As I wrap things up I would like to share something my daughter brought home from her Kindergarten Sunday school class that talks about peace (credit goes to The reThink Group).
- Some people may think that making peace is lame, but God says that peacemakers are better off than hot heads. Peacemakers usually have stronger friendships, live with less stress, and they live like God says to. Remember that making peace doesn’t make you weak; it makes you stronger!
- People who pick fights all the time instead of learning to live in peace usually end up bitter, crabby people with few real friends. But as for peacemakers, God says they have a great future – one filled with contentment and good friends who can talk stuff out. Making peace doesn’t make you weak; it makes your future brighter!
- Sometimes we don’t make peace because we are scared. We may think people will make fun of us or try to take advantage of us, but God reminds us that He is on our team!
- Making peace makes you strong. It’s true. But you need to remember that the strength comes from God. He is the one wiho will give you the courage to stop the fight or the strength to walk away. And when God is on your side, you can do anything!
Now it is obvious that since this handout was given to a toddler it was intended for something different than finding peace with your ex after divorce, but it is so easy to read these and apply them to the way we think and feel. We can have peace and be at peace with anyone, even our ex-spouse.
No matter where Jesus was, throughout His ministry the multitudes flocked to Him. There was a very good reason for this; they came to Jesus out of hunger. A hunger to be set free, a hunger to be healed, a hunger to be taught, and a hunger to know the truth. They wanted to know and understand the absolute TRUTH about having a relationship with God. Over 2,000 years later times have not changed! We all, at some level, hunger to know God – to know the truth, to be healed, to know what it is like to have a relationship with the all mighty God. In essence the TRUTH of God sets us FREE from so much.
Are you hungry for Jesus? I know I am but it wasn’t always so. The cares of the world choked out a real relationship with Him. Sure I was a Christian and attended church but I lacked the relationship. It wasn’t until I was in the midst of divorce that I began to see what I had been missing. In the midst of brokenness and powerlessness I finally was able to feel what it was like to have relationship. Isn’t that the case for most of us? When things are good or at least in control we tend to rely on our own ability and God is pushed down on the list of priorities. It isn’t until the “fecal matter” hits the fan and we are left standing with our chins on the ground, emotions raw, and hopeless that we finally cry out, “Father help.”
Even though I hoped that God would change my spouse’s heart I had to accept that He would not force anyone to do anything. As God worked in my life I had to let go of my expectations and simply let Him work within me. God FREED me from grief, guilt, and the sin which was keeping me in bondage.
Coming to Jesus requires a hunger, we all have it within us, however the world has choked it out. We need to feed the hunger, ask God to make us starving for Him, and turn our eyes and hearts from the things that are standing in the way.
If you are struggling with your faith, your identity, or if your future appears hopeless it is time to feast upon Jesus. He will meet you where you are and grant you a new peace, love, and joy that will free you.
Have you ever caught yourself saying, “If I only had…” ? Better yet how many times a day do you say it? I am guilty! There seems to be those things in our lives, or lack of things in our lives that tend to make us feel like there is a void. Typically these are things that tend to be out of our reach or very slow in coming.
We think that if we had certain things in our lives we would be complete, happier, and successful but often times the opposite is true.
- If I only had more money…
- If I only had a better job…
- If I only had a home to call my own…
- If I only had a wife…
- If I only had a nice car…
- If I only had ________…
On the surface these aren’t really bad things to want but unfortunately we tend to develop this tunnel vision and base our happiness, self-worth, and who we are on these things. We get caught up in looking at all the things we want we lose focus on the things we NEED and what the real issues are in our lives.
I believe that God wants us to have good things but God knows what we can handle. I know on several occasions I received something I wished I had and later found out that it was one of the worst things for me. You’ve heard the old saying, “be careful what you wish for.”
Living life for God is not about waking up each day thinking – if I only had – it is about realizing that we are tremendously blessed already and when we seek His kingdom first we will be content and have great blessings in our lives. Mathew 6:33 – But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. When our will is in alignment with Gods happiness and contentment comes naturally.
When we place so much importance on things we are entering the world of idolatry and that separates us from God. Things can’t fill the void, only God can. Things have their place in our lives and some are worth working for but they should not define who we are.
Comment from Cristina
found this site while looking for one,I also went through the exact situationthat you did.I did cry,screan,cursed,but always had faith that god was with me.After 2 years it still hurts,but i am a nurse so i used my skills to help more people during their illness and that made me forget,to go on,My husband also [...]