It’s that time again…the holidays are quickly approaching and this season can be a difficult time for those who have gone through a divorce. However, the holiday blues don’t just occur in people who have been divorced. Death, financial hardship and distance from loved ones can all contribute to the holiday blues. For a long time I dreaded the holidays and couldn’t wait until they were over but that was before I learned how to deal with the stress the holiday season can bring.

Holiday Blues Related to Divorce

• Memories both good and bad
• Split custody of the children
• Estrangement from family (ex’s and maybe your own)
• Dealing with blended families
• Jealousy, self-pity and bitterness
• Feeling like you no longer have a family
• Poor self-esteem

Tips for Dealing with the Holiday Blues after Divorce

• Plan ahead. If you know you are going to feel down during the holidays, consider taking a vacation to a warm and exotic destination or make arrangements to visit a loved one or close friend. Schedule a few days to work on a favorite hobby or a project you have been postponing.
• Know that you will get through this time. This too shall pass and when it does so will the blues.
• Get support. You are not alone in your feelings. A lot of people get depressed during the holidays.. Seek companionship by getting involved in a support group or volunteer for a community group.
• Create new traditions by trying new things, eating different foods and planning novel activities.
• Help the needy. When you reach out to others you remove the focus from yourself. There is nothing that can make a person feel better than helping out someone in need.
• Avoid conflict with the ex and family. This is not the time to open old wounds and hash things out.
• Create your own happiness. Many people believe that happiness is measured by the things they have and it is beyond their reach because of what is going on in their life. Happiness can be found by making a conscious decision to choose to be happy. Write down ten positive items in your life and focus on those rather than the negative. Recognize that your current circumstances are a temporary situation and life will get better.

Losing someone close to you whether it be divorce or death can lead to the same feelings such as; sadness, anger, loss, loneliness and hopelessness. You probably even want them back but you are powerless. This is all part of grieving, a normal reaction to losing someone you love.

There are several ways to grieve and to learn to accept the divorce. Try not to ignore your feelings and the grief you are feeling. If you feel overwhelmed, consumed or extremely depressed by the divorce you should seek support at church, from family and friends, or a counselor.

Sometimes people find grief counseling makes it easier to deal with sorrow and loss. You can talk to them one-on-one and regular talk therapy can assist you in getting over the pain of divorce and, in time, creating a new life. Another option is to find a support group at your church or in your community. There doesn’t seem to be an abundance of coping with divorce support groups but they are out there.

When your emotions are running high you should try to delay major life changing decisions. Obviously, life as you knew it is changing and there will be some significant changes but you don’t want to take on more if you can avoid it. If you have children you need to consider their feelings and needs and focus on providing them a stable, secure and loving environment, they too will be grieving.

Always remember to take good care of yourself. Grief has obvious effects on you emotionally but it also affects you physically. If you don’t take care of yourself you can end up sick. Eat well, exercise, get sleep and get back to doing things you used to enjoy. Accept offers of help or companionship from friends and family. It’s good for you and for them. Additional information on getting help for your grief.

Grief after divorce can be an on-going process. Everyone’s grief is different and people deal with it in their own way and in their own time. The feelings of intense grief should lessen over time; ignoring, suppressing or rushing it won’t make your grief go away. You simply need to deal with it and let it run its course.

Tips for Dealing with Grief after Divorce

• Grief Takes Time – It can take a long time to get over divorce, especially if you have been married for a long time. You will have good and bad days but over time the intensity will lessen.
• Forgiveness – Without forgiveness we tend to hold on to the resentment and bitterness which can fuel grief making you feel like you were wronged. If you take on the victim role you won’t be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
• Grief is a Process – There are several stages of grief; you may feel denial, disbelief, anger, sadness and eventually acceptance. Take the time to work through your feelings. Read more about the stages of grief.
• Growth – Grief involves growth and learning new things about yourself. You will find new strengths that result in emotional growth. You might even discover some weakness that you can work on. If grief after divorce is too overwhelming you should probably look into getting counseling to learn methods of coping.

Don’t sit around doing nothing; you can overcome grief after divorce and get on with your life. If you are struggling, take the time to look into resources to help you cope like the Grief to Joy Program.

Relationship problems and divorce are a major cause of stress, anxiety and depression. If not dealt with they can lead to other health problems and affect your mental and physical health.

It is estimated that over 17 percent of the U.S. population has an anxiety disorder that requires some form of treatment. In the olden days you may be prescribed medication to deal with your anxiety but evidence may suggest that regular exercise reduces anxiety. Anxiety often becomes too much when life gets overwhelming and the demands exceed a person’s ability to cope. A person may begin to worry too much, have self-doubt and apprehension affecting their day-to-day life.

“I’d have terrible sleeping problems. There were times I’d wake up wired in the middle of the night. I had trouble concentrating, even reading the newspaper or a novel. Sometimes I’d feel a little lightheaded. My heart would race or pound. And that would make me worry more. I was always imagining things were worse than they really were. When I got a stomachache, I’d think it was an ulcer.”

Common Symptoms of Anxiety

• Worry
• Tension
• Fearfulness
• Self-doubt
• Chest Tightness
• Pounding Heart

Many studies have been conducted on the relationship between exercise and anxiety and the results showed that exercise was significantly related to the reduction of anxiety. However, this advice is not to replace that of your doctor.

Looking and feeling good are important to your self-esteem and exercise is a self-esteem booster. So before you let your worry, fear and self-doubt get out of control get physically active, tell yourself how great you are and check out natural options for managing anxiety.

When helping someone cope with divorce it is always a good practice to begin with prayer; for them and for wisdom for you. It is hard to find the right things to say when they hurt so badly and feel hopeless. When a person is going through divorce it is difficult for them to stay focused and often times their emotional, physical and spiritual health suffers. Sometimes life can get downright overwhelming leading to feelings of despair they are unable to see that they will be okay. Divorce can also cause a person to feel ashamed or embarrassed preventing them from reaching out for fear of being judged.

• Listen – listening is probably one of the most important things you can do for someone struggling with divorce. It may be difficult for you to hear and you may get sick of hearing the same thing over and over again, however, talking about their thoughts and feelings is critical in the healing process.
• Encouragement – sometimes people want to stop going to work, stay home and never go out. During this time, emotions are running high but encouraging them to get out can actually help them deal with the divorce by taking their mind off their troubles and giving others the opportunity to possibly support them.
• Reassurance – “This too Shall Pass.” Remind them that they will be okay and over time they will feel better and life will get back to normal.
• Take Care of Yourself – as much as you would like to take their pain away and be there for them all the time it may not be possible. You need to take care of you and your family as well. Don’t let their emotional demands overwhelm you. If possible get additional help for them and you.
• Be Genuine – you don’t need to have all the answers and it is okay to say, “I don’t know what to say.” Often times just listening quietly is the best thing to do. This isn’t the time to take sides or tell them this is all part of God’s master plan. Genuinely communicate with them and see if there is anything you can do to help.

Men coping with divorce is obviously just as common as women coping with divorce but because men and women are wired differently the manner in which they cope can be very different. Men have been accused of lacking emotion or the inability to deal with emotion compared to their counterparts. When it comes to coping with divorce it is very important to deal with the emotions you are feeling. Suppressing them is only going to make matters worse and will hinder the healing progress.

Anger, denial and pride can influence men coping with divorce to make poor decisions. Encouraging them to get back into the game before they are ready, self-medicate with alcohol, becoming a workaholic, sleeping the day away and acting like nothing is wrong. Dealing with your feelings after divorce is important and you begin by acknowledging they exist.

One of the biggest challenges for men is they feel like they failed, they weren’t good enough or unable to provide what their spouse needed. Sure there may be some truth but marriage takes two in order to be successful or not. Don’t let feelings of failure control you but instead learn from your mistakes, apply the knowledge and work on being a better person.

Don’t be fearful of reaching out to others for help. Talking to a friend, someone that genuinely can listen and understand what you are going through and not encourage you to get involved in things that are self-destructive or avoid dealing with your feelings. Another option is professional counseling; there are many trained professionals that can help men coping with divorce. It is okay to tap these resources, it doesn’t make you weak, and in fact it will make you stronger.

Dealing with any type of emotional stress can have negative consequences. The best way to help manage the stress and emotional strain your body is going through is to get physically active. Engaging in physical activity will help you feel better and be more positive throughout the day but it doesn’t hurt to practice positive thinking as well.

Over time you will begin to feel better and be able to get on with your life but don’t rush it. Some wounds take longer to heal and you don’t want to ignore your feelings. Deal with them, become emotionally healthy and grow from the experience; what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger!

Going through a divorce is a humbling and difficult process with negative consequences and emotions. Often, people get stuck or wrapped up in the negativity they forget to resume and rebuild their lives. We are all stuck somewhere, the trick is to recognize it and choose to move on.

In the initial stages of divorce we all hope for God to step in and save the marriage, giving us another chance. We pray, hope and plead – building expectations that we are going to beat the odds or that God will work a miracle only to come to realize that the marriage is over and there is nothing that we can do. We find ourselves helpless, hopeless and depressed. I am not saying that all marriages that start down the road of divorce are destined to end and you should just give up but statistically over half of all marriages end in divorce and you need to be prepared.

It is easy to fall in a state of depression and feel sorry for ourselves, thinking that life will be unlivable without our partner. Or we fill our hearts with anger and bitterness and destroy every other relationship around us. When we stop living a Purpose Driven Life we end up in a state of survival; understandably that may be where we need to be for a short period but it should not become the norm. Why simply survive when you can thrive and enjoy life again? There is a time and place to feel sorry for yourself but at some point you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, take a hard look at your life and determine which path you wish to pursue. Are you going to continue as you are or are you going to start heading for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

God did not create us to be alone and when you are ready to rebuild your life after divorce you don’t have to do it alone. Rely on close friends, church pastors, support groups, family members and Christian counselors. There are many options available to you to find joy and healing in your life. If you find yourself stuck in a rut and can’t shake the grief then check out the “Move from Grief to Joy Program”.

Put the anger, pity, guilt, pride or whatever is holding you back away and let God heal your life. Stop living in the past and look towards the future, look forward for what tomorrow holds and remember that each day you should be healing and growing. It is time to discover that the gold at the end of the rainbow is you!

It seems only natural to isolate ourselves when we are in pain. For some reason we think we can work through the crisis on our own or nobody will understand what we are going through but the reality is; countless individuals have experienced divorce, stemming from someone simply saying, “I don’t love you anymore” to infidelity and even abuse. Point being… there is no shortage of people in this world that can understand what you are going through.

When we isolate ourselves we miss out on many of God’s healing medicines. In a state of isolation we tend to focus on ourselves by having one pity party after another. As our minds conjure up questions with no answers, worry of things to come, “what if” scenarios and a smorgasbord of feelings we open the door for bitterness, hopelessness and self-pity; none of which God desires.

As you go through your divorce I encourage you to reach out to others. God’s will is not for you to go through the pain alone; as Christians we are of one body made up of many members, God created us for community; not to be alone. Rebuilding your life after divorce requires allowing others into your life; if you already have a support network setup you should start using it today, if not you have work to do.

When You Receive Help from Others

When you receive help from others you set in motion several different things that will help you to heal. Sitting around in isolation while your mind concocts all sorts of crazy ideas is counterproductive, however reaching out to others isn’t, it offers:

• Support
• Encouragement
• Wisdom
• A Different Perspective
• Accountability
• Opportunity for Prayer
• And it Lets God Work in Your Life

By letting others help you not only get out of yourself but you bless them as well. When people have the opportunity to give of themselves it releases the “feel good” chemicals in the brain and is a real blessing. We all want to be useful and we all have a calling in life; for many that is being there for others, helping them through tough times, including divorce.

If you have found that you are isolating yourself hoping the pain will go away or that there is no one that can help, I encourage you to re-evaluate and open the door by letting others in. I understand the difficulty in finding people that make you feel comfortable to open up too but they are all around. It isn’t always necessary to check yourself into professional counseling but for some it can be very helpful. Others places to get help include prayer at church, don’t be shy. When they offer prayer after the service go get it, you will be glad you did. You should also seek out a weekly bible group to join, whether that is through your church or another. Bible groups are a great place to quickly connect with others and get support. Lastly, look for support groups that are specific to divorce or grief recovery.

You will be amazed at how God will work in your life through others, how you will feel and the way He heals you. Connecting with people has a way of turning the tables on pain, depression and loneliness so take advantage of your brothers and sisters in Christ; there are many that want to help so reach out.

One of the last places a person wants to be after hearing about their partner wanting to separate or divorce is at work. As much as we wish we could, most of us can’t turn on and off our emotions in order to concentrate on the task at hand.

It is important to understand that divorce is often compared to losing a loved one when it comes to grieving. Would you go to work the next day? Probably not, I know I had to take a couple days off, not only to deal with the sick feeling inside of me but because I was exhausted from lack of sleep and not eating.

When I was able to get back to work I first had to sit down and discuss with my boss what was going on because people will notice the change and you need someone on your side when you exhibit signs of frustration with co-workers.

Breaks are important to stay focused on the job and to relieve stress. If you can, get outside and walk around the block a couple times and think about other things than work and your relationship. Don’t use it as a time to stew over the divorce and get mad.

Keep your strength up by eating, healthy eating. Don’t drown you sorrows with maple bars (my favorite) and other tempting morsels. I am a strong believer that when you experience, both physical and mental, pain that your body automatically tries to heal itself and combat the negative effects and this is better done with healthy nourishing foods.

God created us for community so if others want to help you, let them. Not only does it bless them but it blesses you. Many understand the pain you are going through and may want to help you with your workload. It helps get your job done and relieves some of the stress.

You are going to have good days and bad days depending on what is going on so plan accordingly. Having to go to work the same day or even the next day after divorce court or mediation may not be the best decision -plan accordingly. We all have different temperaments and thresholds for what we can handle and I prefer to error on the side of caution versus snapping at the Vice President of Sales and then having to look for a job on top of everything else.

Manage the physical and psychological effects of divorce to better help you make it through the day.

Stress in itself is not a bad thing but stress due from divorce can have horrendous effects on our physical and mental well-being. Leaving stress unchecked can lead to all sorts of problems; illness, depression, anxiety, crankiness, inability to focus, anger, loneliness, poor sleep, loss of appetite, lack of motivation, worry, and so on. Divorce will certainly bring on some of these feeling and many more but you can manage your stress to some degree. If you feel like you are starting to run on empty then consider taking action.

Tips for Managing Stress after Divorce

In this post I am not going to tell you to slap a smile on your face and fake it till you make it. I am going to share 4 simple things to help you deal with stress after divorce that have nothing to do with positive mental thinking.

1. Practice your breathing. Several times throughout the day take some deep breaths, inhale and exhale, stretching out your lungs and relaxing a bit.
2. Get back into eating healthy whole foods. By now you should be sick of Carl’s Junior and McDonalds. It is time to eat foods that will assist your body with the stress at hand. Fresh fruits and vegetables are packed full of good nutrients that help your body during tough times. If you find yourself having a good cooking day, cook for the next 3 days so you have everything prepared. I lived off grilled chicken breast and raw veggies for weeks. It was easy and I could prepare several days worth with very little effort.
3. Get outside and get some sun and exercise. A brisk walk does the body good.
4. Getting the right amount of sleep is important and I have a simple recipe to share for those of you that are having difficulty getting to sleep and staying asleep but first a disclaimer: I am not a doctor and you do this at your own risk.
   

   Sleep Aid Recipe

   You need 4 supplements: Magnesium, Zinc, Melatonin, and 5-HTP. I take this mixture at night and typically sleep like a baby. Don’t take it too late or you may wake up feeling groggy. The hardest thing to find was the 5-HTP; I ended up buying Nature’s Way 5-HTP from Amazon.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21226679 tells a bit about the sleep studies done. It discusses the Magnesium, Zinc and Melatonin combination. I have found that the 5-HTP works well for me.

You need to refuel and resume taking care of yourself. The longer you leave the stress unchecked and deplete your reserves the harder it will be for you, physically and mentally.