I know many struggle with getting through the grief of divorce or even the loss of a pet but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Grief is one of the most painful human emotions. Many people will tell you that ‘time heals all wounds.’ Or perhaps you feel that you need to work through the stages of grief in grief counseling.

The truth is grieving does take time, but there are ways to help you move through the grief faster and significantly speed up the healing process using the power of your mind.

The “Grief Transformation program” is a proven step-by-step program that is recommended by doctors and used by hundreds of grief counseling centers.

In this online video program personal development coach Brittany Watkins will walk you through the best and most effective grief counseling methods that have been studied and taught at Harvard Medical School, Yale School of Medicine, University of California Irvine and other premier institutions.

If you are struggling and don’t know where to turn I think this is a good resource to check out. Click Here to Learn More!

Over the years people have come in and out of my life and at times I wonder where they went… Did I do something to drive them away, did they get bored with me or could it be that the task they were sent to do has been completed and it was time for them to move on?

I have learned that God looks at the big picture when I am incapable of even fathoming the big picture. Even though God did not plan for my marriage to fail He foresaw it and planned for it. Ultimately I was supposed to learn something and become more Christ-like from the experience. Maybe I was supposed to learn something about other people, maybe something about me, or both. I am leaning towards both, I hope that God will use what I have gone through to help others, that is if I allow it. Sometimes I really need to put myself out there and I am not good at stepping outside of my comfort zone. But I have noticed that God is bringing people to me that are in a lot of pain and instead of me helping them they seem to be helping me. Their faith, hope, and outlook on life is encouraging. A blessing that makes me smile from ear to ear. God is using people all around the world to touch one another, help one another, mold us, teach us, comfort us, etc. At times things seem beyond hope until you look back a year later and see the tremendous progress you made and the people’s lives that have touched you and vice versa.

We all don’t have a Billy Graham or Chuck Smith ministry that touches millions but we do have a ministry that is just as important. The way we live our lives is our ministry, the people we interact with on a daily basis, how we treat our family… These are all important ministries. I know I have far to go obviously being divorced I have failed at my first marriage but I have learned tremendously! I have learned what love truly is and am eager to give all that I can. I have been blessed with a wonderful little girl that has completely melted my heart. I have learned compassion for the parent in the grocery store whose child is throwing fit.

A child can give great lessons on patience, compassion, love, long suffering - the fruits of the Spirit!

The point is we are all working for a greater good and God is using us whether we know it or not. As Christians we can rest assured that God is completing the good work that He started in us. Even when things seem to be falling apart… Maybe those are the times we learn the best.

During divorce it is hard to see the light at the end of tunnel and sometimes it is hard to see God at work.  In the midst of hate, anger, confusion, depression, bitterness, denial, disappointment, and despair it is amazing that we are able to make it to work each day.  We all need a bit of help and the one thing that has helped me was to do some reading.  Now I am not a big time reader but I did it anyways and God was able to change my heart and heal me.  For starters check out my page on helpful book at http://www.walkingthechristianlife.com/helpful-books.htm and also consider reading Your Personal Apostolate: Accepting and Sharing the Love of God. This book is written by Michele Elena Bondi and truly focuses on the Love of God. Something that we feel doesn’t exist at times in the midst of divorce. If you get it let me know what you think about it.

By Charles Stanley

A person who harbors unforgiveness always loses. Regardless of how wrong the other person may have been, refusing to forgive means reaping corruption in life. And that corruption begins in one relationship including the relationship with God, and works its way into all the rest.

Holding n to hurt is like grabbing a rattlesnake by the tail, you are going to be bitten. As the poison of bitterness works its way through the many facets of your personality, death will occur - death that is more far-reaching than your physical death, for it has the potential to destroy those around you as well.

Have you been hurt? Has somebody, somewhere in your past, rejected you in such a way that you still hurt when you think about it? Do you become critical of people in your past the minute their names are mentioned? Did you leave home as a child or a college student with great relief that you were leaving, swearing you would never return?

Whatever your situation, whatever has happened in your past, remember that you are the loser if you do not deal with an unforgiving spirit. And the people around you suffer, too.

You all know who I am talking about right??  Last week at church this group called Esterlyn played their song called Esther and it really touched me.  I was able to find a live performance on YouTube but the quality isn’t the greatest.  I recommend sitting back, closing your eyes, and just listening.

The Lyrics

He heals the broken hearted
He binds their wounds
He is love
He finds those forgotten
Those who’ve been abused
He is love
He knows your name

A Father to the fatherless
A healer of the brokenness
You make beauty from the ashes
A helper to the helpless
A fighter for the hopeless
You Love those who are alone
He comforts the lonely
He hears their cry

He is love
He holds the children
Throughout the night
He is love
He knows your name
Give us your heart Lord help us love the unseen
Give us your eyes Lord help us love those in need

You can read the bible a hundred times and each time something different may stand out, saying “this is important”.  Of course everyone is different along with their circumstances yet I felt like sharing what Paul wrote to the Ephesians.

Ephesians: 1:17-19

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.  I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.

Paul also records a wonderful prayer in chapter 3…

Ephesians:3 16-19

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

I think this is a great prayer for going through rough times such as divorce because it is during this time I did not feel loved at all and being able to grasp the love of God will see us through.

When you think about forgiveness it seems pretty simple of a concept to grasp. I often tell people that I have forgiven my ex for the divorce and other things but then I catch myself wishing that God would punish her for what she did. Kind of harsh isn’t it?

I have been divorced for over 2 years now and felt I was making pretty good progress on moving on. This morning I woke up thinking about my exwife and how I wish bad things would happen to her. I know exactly where these feelings are coming from, because I miss my daughter. If you have gotten to know me at all you know that the one thing I hate is not being able to see her everyday.

So anyhow, I am sitting at church and I begin to read the definition of forgiveness. Forgiveness is “deciding that someone who has wronged you doesn’t have to pay.” They don’t have to pay!!! Come on now, that just isn’t fair! But it is true. If God never forgave me for all of my transgressions I would end up in a very HOT dark place. I have been forgiven so much and yet I appear to be holding on to some unforgiveness towards my ex.

To be honest I don’t think I need to go all the way back to the drawing board on this one. I think that there are times when it is easier to forgive than others and I think that we can come under attack by the enemy. In my heart I truly want to forgive and I think I have come a long ways in that department. But on ocassion I think my flesh and spirit are going to have to battle it out.

Forgiveness doesn’t always come over night but if you work at it and give it up to God it will come. We aren’t going to be perfect and sometimes feelings creep up that might make us feel angry but that doesn’t mean we aren’t making progress. Each day has its challenges and the key is to keep pressing on.

Many divorces end because of infidelity in the marriage, my wife left me a week before Christmas and moved in with another man. I was completely clueless! While she was out having a good time with her new found love I was home heart broken trying to figure out what the heck had happened, alone and miserable. Part of me was jealous that she already had another person to share her time with. I wanted to run out and get into a new relationship as well but the more I thought about it the more I realized that it was a bad idea. My intentions would have been completely selfish and my emotional state was unhealthy thus leading to an unhealthy relationship.

Some research that I found on the Internet suggests that it can take 2 to 3 years to adapt to divorce, longer if illness or job loss occurs during the same period of time. To be quite honest I can see that to be true. This coming December will be my 3 year mark and I can honestly say that I feel good, I feel like really getting to know someone in a healthy manner, and I feel like the evaluation and work I have done on myself has paid off.

So what should you do during that time?

1. Learn to accept the divorce – here is where I may start some controversy but after the divorce you need to establish a new identity that is not tied to your former spouse and to do this you need to be convinced that there is no use investing further in this relationship (Divorce Matters, Iowa State University).

2. Make peace with your former spouse, especially if you have children together. I remember the snide remarks back and forth and the nastiness. It got so bad that I literally hated calling or answering calls from my ex. It stopped me from calling my little girl to say hi because I did not want to deal with the 5 seconds talking to my ex. Do what you can to make peace.

3. Examine your part in the relationship to see what you may of contributed. I may have not been the one to file divorce but it is guaranteed that I could have been a better spouse. The biggest thing for me was to not let this happen again. To do this I had to examine the reason why I chose my former spouse and make revisions to the plan for future reference. Did you know that the divorce rate for second marriages is around 67%? Most likely because people chose the same dysfunctional type of relationship they did the first time. I am determined to break the cycle. Do this by examining yourself and contributions to the marriage. Change, grow, heal, pray, and let God take control. Break the negative destructive patterns in your life before dating again! This will take some time and it is a hard process. The more honest you are about yourself the better off you will be.

I remember getting married and how stressful that seemed. Tying that (so called) life commitment, making everything perfect, managing the guests, band, caterer, etc. I think at this point I could of listed getting married as one of the most stressful times of my life. But little did I know the stress involved with dissolving a marriage. I found a neat little blurb about managing stress after divorce from the Iowa State University. It made some good points and I know that I experienced what it talks about, never really thought about it though.

It focuses on three points; 1) restructuring the family, 2) loss of significant relationships and possessions, and 3) the need to establish a new identity.

Restructuring the family was probably the hardest thing I encountered after the divorce. We had a 2-year-old daughter at the time and having split custody really had an affect on me. Parenting roles were more difficult to manage. When our daughter was sick who would stay home with her or who would take her to the doctor. Other things to consider was the fact that there were no longer two people to carry out the daily household chores and that going from 2 to 1 income would affect our way of living. There were times things simply got overwhelming. So what did I learn? It only takes 5 minutes to do the dishes so just do them. Things don’t need to be perfect either, provide a safe loving environment and eventually I would find the time to do all those things I was neglecting. Making the right priorities and putting together a financial budget was also critical.

The loss of relationship with my wife and my daughter were both extremely hard, especially with my daughter. Even 2 years later I still struggle, at times, with not being with her. I missed my wife at first but not so much anymore, however I miss being married. I miss the significance of that type of relationship, however I am glad that I did not run out and find a new woman right away. I highly recommend taking the time to heal, improve, and try something new. It has done good things for me and made me a better person. Now I am a bit more confident that my next marriage won’t end the same.

Establishing a new identity can be more difficult for some than others. I can’t imagine how it is for those that have been married 10, 15, 20 years and then divorced. The role of husband and wife has been an identity for so long and to have to start over and rethink everything can be stressful. I guess that is why I took the time to heal and take on new hobbies. I am glad I did because I realized that I like photography, I like reading, and I am a good person.

Living as a single Christian dad has been one of the hardest things in my life. I have just posted a short story about my struggles on my single dad blog and would love some feedback and support. I have been single for about 3 years now and have even lost confidence in myself and other people. I am by no means at the end of my rope but I sure do struggle sometimes. Read more Living Single

Every so often I like to re-read a short book written by Chuck Smith, Effective Prayer Life, that helps me put prayer back into perspective.  Especially in tough times it is east to feel like our prayers aren’t being heard but the truth of the matter God hears every word and knows all that is going on.  Here is a short paragraph from page 84 that I found very helpful.

Jesus said, ” men ought to always pray, and not to faint” (Luke 18:1).  Why then are so many people losing heart and never praying? I hear people say, “I don’t know what I am going to do! I don’t know where to turn.”  They’re fainting.  Learn of God’s grace through prayer. Learn to turn every situation over to God so your life might be strengthened by his hand upon you.

Pastor Chuck has been around for a long time and from what I have heard him say and the books I’ve read of his I really feel God has touched his heart and granted him more wisdom than I will ever know.  If you get a chance I highly recommend reading some of his books.  Start with Effective Prayer Life

When it comes to forgiveness we typically think of God forgiving us not the other way around.  I’m not exactly sure how that works because how can you forgive when you haven’t been wronged?  Needless to say I found myself blaming God for not saving my marriage.  I blamed God for me not being able to see my child each day and I blamed God for allowing me to marry “that woman”.  God knew from the beginning how this was going to play out and He is all powerful so why didn’t He do something to stop it?

For weeks I pleaded with God to intervene and  I would get so angry when He wouldn’t. I had lost all hope!  A pastor friend had to explain to me that God has given each and every one of us free-will and He wouldn’t force my wife to change her mind.  He wasn’t going to simply make all the pain and all the bad choices go away.  We need to give God permission to work in our lives and if we don’t then He won’t. 

Even though I clearly had no foundation to blame God I still had to forgive God and myself for the marriage failing.  I had to move forward with my life and stop living in the past.  I had to stop assigning blame and stop being resentful.  This is what God wants and if you have ever been around someone with a victim mentality you know how depressing that can be I simply would not allow myself to become a victim so I had to let God work in my life and to do that I had to forgive.

It is the choices we make and have made in the past that have affected the way our lives have turned out, good and bad.  If we are unhappy with a part of our life we have no one to blame but ourselves.  Thus, it is up to each of us, individually, to make choices that will help us to heal and improve our lives. We will make mistakes, we have made mistakes and if we repent God will restore us.  It may not be as fast as we like or it might seem to take a long time because we get in God’s way.  The fact is God will restore us when we repent, humble ourselves, confess our weaknesses and let Him do some house cleaning.

As I was reading I was thinking about the pain that comes with divorce and the confusion.  Sometimes it is very difficult to see God in the midst of all this turmoil.  Tonight I was reading 1 Corinthians 2:9

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.

I look at this as a promise that if we love God then He has some wonderful things for us and wants us to expect good things from Him.  I know His blessings are going to be more than I ever expected.  I simply need to get through tough times with my love and faith in tact. God is there to help me along whenever I need Him and all this pain has a purpose.

During a recent Sunday service the pastor prayed that we would be able to trust in the Lord when our lives have not turned out the way we would of wanted or they are not going how we would like. Of course that is a good thing to pray for especially with all that is going on with the economy these days.

I have felt this way and still do feel this way at times. There are things that I want and that I feel should be different in my life to make it better. I quickly realized that the only reason to pray such a prayer would be due to not being obedient to God and doing His will. If we are to follow God and abide by His word then our lives are going to be better than we could of ever imagined. It is with fleshly desires and expectations while putting ourselves above all else that we end up in a situation where we are disappointed in our lives.

None of us are perfect and we are bound to make mistakes that make us question where we are at in our lives but I find it difficult at times to trust God or how to trust God. So what do we do when in this kind of situation? The pastor had these 5 points to help trust God in hard times while moving forward.

1. Keep communicating with God through prayer
2. Consider internal posture. Are you a victim? A contributor? Are you paralyzed or can you act? From a divorce standpoint I felt like a victim and I was terribly wronged. However, I refuse to live life as a victim. I have seen, first hand, what it does to people and I am not going to blame everyone for my problems. Later I realized that I was a contributor, both good and bad. Here is where forgiveness and repentance play its role. When it comes to our own individual behavior we can almost always act, it may take time for the shock of some things to wear off but we can act!
3. Consider who is watching you. This is a good one to remember. Where are your children? Are they seeing how you learn from difficult times? Do they understand what it is all about? I remember times when I had to go get Madalyn from her mom because her mom was having one of her “moments”. It would break my heart and I would show up with tears in my eyes. One time my little girl put her hand on my cheek, looked me in the eyes, and told me it was going to be all right. (She was 2 years old) A child’s compassion and gentle encouragement had broken me and I vowed at that moment to not let my weakness show. That happened over 2 years ago and it sometimes feels like yesterday.I love talking about my little kid so I am going to tell one more story. Last weekend we were playing one of our games that she loves to play called “power ranger”. She is the power ranger and I am the power ranger hunter. Its basically king of the mountain on the bed and the floor is the hot lava or as she would say wava. It is a pillow fight and wrestling match where I tend to win. Anyhow, she surprisingly gets my sleeve off my arm, which forces me to lose the shirt in order to win the match. She calls time out and runs out of the room. She comes back in after a quick change of the clothes, she dressed just like me with socks blue jeans and no shirt. I ask what she is doing and she says, I want to be like you daddy.” It was so cute, poor kid thinks she wants to be like me. The point is our children want to be like their parents and we need to show them healthy godly ways of dealing with the good and the bad.
4. Look outside ourselves. Is there anyone that we can help?
5. Hold on to God’s character and ways. I lose track of this sometimes and I think that God is punishing me for all the bad I have done. That God is holding me back from the success I desire. Both of which are not God’s heart. God is a loving forgiving God. I should TRUST Him, He wants what is best for me and you!

Jason,
I just have one question. Did your wife had any consequences for how she rebelled before God when she divorced you and left with another man? The same happened to me with my husband and sometimes the devil attacks me with thoughts that He will live happy with her and will be with her the way he never was with me. I know those thoughts are not from God but just wondered about your wife.

I got together with my wife today as we did our taxes. Even though we have been separated for a year and a half, I still leaving from any encounter with her with my heart heavy and sad. As the day continues I remember the good times we had together and that just makes it worse! Jason, thanks for the article on lonliness. I can be around a bunch of people and still be lonely and that’s one of the things I miss most is the companionship I had with my wife. I still have this glimmer of hope in my heart for us. I know it’s in the Lords hands and I need to keep reminding myself of this. I have a high threshold for physical pain but this kind of pain is totally different. Thanks for all the prayers and a place to express thoughts with people that can understand.

God gave us our mind and body for a reason and they can be a powerful tool in changing how we feel. I am not talking about avoidance or denial, I am talking about making a choice to feel different, to feel happy. Our body can influence our emotions, if we are moping and slouched over you may find yourself depressed and sad. Think about the next time you feel sad or if you can remember the last time what your body was doing. Try pulling your shoulders back, sitting up straight, take a few deep breaths, and SMILE. Some of the best ways I found to change how I feel are things like:

• Being playful
• Laughter
• Putting a spring in my step
• Smiling
• Fun activities
• Acting confident

By doing something silly and unexpected you can instantaneously change how you feel. The best way to stay depressed is to think of all the things you don’t have or the things you “think” you are missing out on. If that is your focus then you are doomed to be sad.

I know if you are reading this, chances are you aren’t feeling very playful or happy and I don’t expect you too. But you don’t have to always feel that way either. Try playing with your mood and see what happens. You may be amazed at the power and control you have over your emotions. You won’t know unless you try, it is a choice!

Have you ever felt like just giving up?  Not being a Christian any more?  Honestly, I have a few times in my life but when it comes down to it I was meant to be this way.  I don’t like much of what the world has to offer.  I read the bible and that is the kind of person I want to be. I want to love, I want peace, I want salvation, I want to be slow to anger… Yet, I continually am falling short but if I can get past my self condemnation maybe I can be used by God.  For many satan is their worst enemy but it seems for me, I am my worst enemy.  My flesh won’t give me a minute of peace some days.  Some days I am screwing up minutes after repenting for something I did before.

But if I don’t stay in the battle or I give up altogether then how can I grow?  I can’t accept that I will never have victory over certain areas in my life, sexual purity for one if I don’t continue to get in the battle and learn from my mistakes.