Christian Divorce Recovery and Support » New Life After Divorce

Online Relationships

Jason — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 19:43:57 +0000

Years ago the idea of developing online relationships had a stigma about it. However, online dating has grown in both popularity and acceptance. Today, nearly 1 out of 5 people have dated someone they met online. Online relationships have gained so much traction over the years it is now the third most popular way for meeting new people. As the amount of people who use online dating has increased, the dating pool has become more diverse and high-quality. If you still think that online relationships are taboo, consider that over 280,000 marriages occur in the U.S. each year through online dating.

I used to have reservations about online dating but after several years of being alone and not having much success meeting people through church or other activities I decided to give it a try. It was a learning experience for me and took a bit of getting used to but eventually I got the hang of it and realized that I could meet people for a variety of different reasons. Not everyone that I met had to be romantic partners. You can meet people with similar interests and hobbies, to have coffee with, or simply talk. Ridding myself of the idea that every person I met had to meet my criteria of my next mate allowed me to learn more about myself and have fun at the same time.

Safety Tips for Online Relationships

Whether you are meeting new people online or not you should always exercise caution and use practical safety tips. For starters:

Safeguard your personal information – Don’t provide the following information in your profile-first and last name, place of employment, address, phone number or any other personal information that can lead to your true identity.

Break off communication with people who aren’t willing to meet – People who aren’t willing to meet usually have an ulterior motive for being online, they may be scammers or married.

Use an anonymous email account – Don’t use your work or usual email account for online dating. Set up a new Gmail, Hotmail, or Yahoo account that you can easily delete if necessary.

Meet in a public place – Take it slow and until you get to know someone and feel comfortable with them meet in a public place. I prefer Starbucks.

Have fun – Online relationships should be fun. If it isn’t then you need to re-evaluate why you are doing it and possibly stop. Meeting new people can be scary but if you relax and let go of expectations it can also be fun and very rewarding.

There are many websites that cater to Christian online relationships such as ChristianCafe.com and even Match.com. I am one of the 280,000 who met his soul mate last year over the Internet, Try Match.com Free.

Save Your Relationship with a Refresher

Jason — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 21:37:03 +0000

Every day people fall madly in love and get into long-term relationships that ends in marriage. They beam at each other as they walk from the alter, feeling that nothing is impossible and their love will withstand any and every obstacle it encounters. Eventually, however, reality sets in and the honeymoon phase ends. Daily life becomes the focus and the couple may become like two ships passing in the night. Little annoyances like dishes in the sink, the toothpaste cap left off, and the toilet paper roll being put on the wrong direction can turn into major arguments.

You are not alone if you feel that your relationship is in need of a refresher. You may feel resentment, boredom, argumentative, bitter, and lack the joy you once had in the relationship. The good news is that you can save your relationship by making simple changes.

Happiness isn’t an easy task; it must be earned with hard work and dedication. Reality rarely measures up to our imagination, which can lead to disappointment. It is important to examine situations through an optimistic lens and a fresh viewpoint. Save your relationship by making it a priority! Respect each other, communicate daily, be honest, support one another’s goals and interests, laugh together, fight fair, forgive, express gratitude, make important decisions together (finances, children, vacations, etc), and take romantic getaways.

Love is never a finished product, it must be nurtured and fed to keep growing or it will waste away. Love gives the push that keeps a marriage moving but it does not give the direction. The direction comes from understanding and cooperation between two people.

Couples need to cope with their problems by coming to the realization that happiness won’t “just” happen; it comes with an understanding and willingness to work, and work hard, for the greatest blessing of their lives.

Unforgiveness: The Root of Bitterness

Jason — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 18:50:03 +0000

Unforgiveness grows into bitterness and resentment, poisonous emotions that torture you. These emotions cause stress and pressureand can lead to unhealthy physical and emotional ailments. Unforgiveness does not torture the person that wronged you it only tortures you. It creates suffering.

Unforgiveness and resentment are the ties that bind you to the past, to the wrong that was brought upon you. It is impossible to leave the past behind and get on with your life while you are living in unforgiveness. It causes bitterness and resentment, which overflows into your present day. Bitterness is a very slow form of destroying one’s peace of mind. It prolongs the hurt and makes you miserable.

Without forgiveness you are more likely to react to someone or something from that place of hurt, anger and distrust. In affect, you are bringing the hurt from the past into your new relationships; soiling them with unforgiveness that has nothing to do with them. You are limiting your ability to move on to a healthier happier relationship by holding onto your past.

What would it take to release those negative feelings? Was the hurt too big? Too deep? Too unspeakable that forgiveness is not an option? What do you choose instead? Living in unforgiveness is choosing to remain the victim. When one acts like a victim you end up being treated like one. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Think of forgiveness as a gift to your self. You do not have to tell the other person you forgive them. Nor do you ever have to put up with unacceptable behavior. By forgiving the person for being the way they are and for having done what they did, you release YOURSELF from suffering. You enable yourself to move past the hurt to healing. You offer yourself a gateway to move from anger and resentment to compassion, acceptance and peace. These are emotional gratuities that you can bestow upon yourself and from which you will reap divine effects.

This post was written by Karen McMahon, Certified Divorce Coach. Karen is the founder of KM Life Coaching and co-author of “Navigating Your Divorce“: A guide to the Legal, Financial and Emotional Basics”, a free eBook. Karen’s passion is to work with men and women going through the divorce process; helping them navigate the difficulties while focusing on personal growth and embracing the opportunities that lie ahead.

Be the Miracle

Jason — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 00:57:15 +0000

It seems like our view of a miracle isn’t what it used to be. Biblical miracles tend to revolve around raising people from the dead, healing the blind, making water into wine, and feeding the masses. Today a miracle can be finding our keys, getting to work on time, or making it through one more crummy day.

Divorce has a way of making life seem miserable. The pain can be unimaginable and it feels like it won’t take anything less than a miracle to survive one more day.

Our physical, financial, and emotional state are in despair yet, if we trust in God, something begins to happen. Our spiritual state grows and our relationship with God multiplies. Even though we are grieving we find that we have faith that everything is going to work out eventually. God didn’t do this to us and He did not abandon us. It takes time to heal from the pain of divorce and get back on your feet. And nearly half the population of the United States will have to walk this road unless there is a morality shift.

Consider this: We are a miracle from the day each and every one of us was born.. We all are unique, have different destinies, and missions in life. God has called us according to His will and has a plan for us. If you want to break free from the bondage you are in then you need to trust that God loves you, you need to love yourself, and realize that you are part of a much bigger plan; one that you can’t yet imagine. Don’t wait for your circumstances or situation to change to be happy. Instead, understand that no circumstance or situation is too large for God to handle. Turn the pain, anger, depression, fear, pity, hatred, bitterness, and worry over to God and live as the miracle God created.

Never Give Up

Improve Your Mood at Work

Jason — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 17:55:38 +0000

Whether single, married, divorced, or widowed we still need to get up each day and head into work. Sometimes going to work becomes routine, joyless, and even harmful to our health. No matter what your work situation is, there are some simple steps you can take to not only improve your mood at work but your overall wellness.

One of the best things you can do to improve your mood and wellness at work is to smile. According to an article in the Wall Street Journal several studies back up this claim. A simple smile can intensify a person’s pleasure.

We can often get caught up in our current problems but even in the midst of pain, we can and should take the time to find things in our lives to be thankful for; even if it is simply witnessing a beautiful day. If you express gratitude for the good in your life, you focus on the positive rather than the negative which in turn improves your mood and wellness.

The elusive break! How many of you get to your desk or work site only to lose track of time? Before you know it the day is nearly over and you haven’t once taken time out for a break. Breaks are important part of reducing stress at work so make it a priority to take a few minutes out in the morning and afternoon. Taking short breaks rejuvenates your brain, eyes and body.

We have all heard it said that laughter is God’s medicine and in this case, yes, laughter can improve your mood at work and according to a study published in the journal of Psychological Science being in a good mood increased creative thinking.

For those of you that have a desk job; how often do you stand up, walk around and stretch? A study by Missouri University found that sitting has a negative effect on fat and cholesterol metabolism. Physical inactivity throughout the day stimulates disease-promoting processes. Standing while talking on the phone or taking short walks around the office can lower these risks and improve your wellness.

There are certain spring days we wish we all could move our desks outside and work but unfortunately for most it is impossible. Research shows that nature is good for our wellbeing. Place some plants around the office where you can see them. Go outside and take a walk on your lunch or breaks. Bringing nature to the work place improves productivity and reduces blood pressure.

References
Is It True Smiling Improves Your Mood? (2011, October 25). Retrieved December 31, 2011, from http://blogs.wsj.com/health

MU Study Finds That Sitting May Increase Risk of Disease (2007, November 15). Retrieved December 31, 2011, from http://munews.missouri.edu/2007/1115-hamilton-inactivity.php

Green Walls Benefits – Health & Wellness Retrieved December 31, 2011, from http://www.greenovergrey.com/green-wall-benefits/health-wellness.php

Why Bad Things Happen

Jason — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 18:53:53 +0000

We have all wondered at times why God allows bad things to happen; divorce, death of children, natural disasters, etc. Does everything really happen for a reason? Is everything happening according to God’s plan? When we are struggling with loss, pain, and hopelessness questions arise that may cause us to question our faith. As we reach out to others hoping to make some sense of the chaos we come across two typical Christian responses.

Everything happens according to God’s will.

God gave humans freewill thus giving up some of His control. He doesn’t dictate to us or control us; that is left to each individual. Therefore, God doesn’t cause bad things to happen, instead good or bad events are the result of decisions made by people. The decisions of others can directly affect you and me. Even decisions from previous generations have an impact on us today. For example, the environment is suffering because of society’s decisions which began long ago, thus causing adverse effects and weather changes on the planet. The same goes for divorce; God isn’t going to take away a person’s choice (freewill) because the decision they are making is wrong. We are simply going to suffer the consequences.

I tend to side with #2 and feel that we live in a fallen world with imperfect humans making good and bad decisions leading to both positive and negative outcomes. Sometimes the pain is so bad that it is hard to understand why something happened but often the answer to ‘why’ isn’t what we need to know; the real question is what are you going to do now?

Romans 8:28 – And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

When you give the bad things that happen in your life over to God He will reveal His power, love, and grace. Do you trust God? Do you have faith that He will bring glory and good out of the bad things that happen in your life? It is by trusting that God has a plan/purpose for you that healing is possible. God can use divorce, death, loneliness, sorrow, and pain all for good. Trust God and you will find strength, hope, peace, and love.

Finding Happiness

Jason — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 21:17:30 +0000

It is every person’s goal to find happiness and feel important. Often people go through life never knowing what it is like to truly be happy because they are chasing after the wrong things, like the superficial things of the world that never satisfy.

Going through a divorce or suffering from a major loss can make a person feel they will never be happy again. Self-talk, like “My life is terrible.” reflects these feelings and creates what is known as a self-fulfilling prophesy. Finding happiness is nearly impossible without the right mindset and you need to understand it is your thoughts and self-talk that directs your life and how you feel.

We have all witnessed amazing stories where people that have everything their heart desires yet are miserable, self-medicating, and feel sorry for themselves. Then there are those people that seem to have nothing yet their faith and their love for themselves and others radiates from them. They are truly happy despite their circumstances. Their situation doesn’t dictate whether they are happy or not; faith does that. If you are waiting to have enough money, lots of toys, or finding a mate to be happy you could find yourself waiting a long time. The key to happiness depends more on the inner person than outside influences.

You have the right to be happy; however, stressful times in your life may make feeling good difficult and that is just part of life. During these times, it is easy to get caught up into a downward spiral taking your self-esteem with you.

To be happy you need to realize that happiness is a choice and you can turn your life around by simply changing one thing… how you think. Stop viewing yourself through other people’s eyes and what they say about you, especially if it is negative. Realize that you are a great person worthy of love and happiness. People with a positive outlook on life tend to be happier. Therefore, practice the cup is half full routine and find gratitude in your life.

Many people send negative messages to themselves. You might have heard these messages when you were young or over a long period of time from many different sources such as; teachers, family members, caregivers, media, friends and lovers. Once you heard these messages you may have repeated them over and over to yourself until you believe them. These negative thoughts make you feel bad about yourself and lower your degree of happiness.

Tips for Finding Happiness

Break the cycle by asking yourself the following questions about each negative thought you have noticed:

Would this statement be something that a person would really say to another person? If not then why am I saying it to myself?
Is this message really true?
What am I getting out of thinking this thought? If it is making me feel unhappy about myself then why don’t I stop thinking it?

Whenever you notice yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself, replace them with positive ones. You can’t think two different thoughts at the same time. While you are developing these thoughts, use positive words like happy, loving, joyful, caring, kind, enthusiastic, and warm.

“We become what we think.”- Earl Nightingale. This philosophy has been around for a very long time and it is true. If you want to find happiness then stop acting like it is lost and choose to be happy by changing the way you think.

Reaching Out to Others

Jason — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 19:06:10 +0000

It doesn’t matter what stage in life you are or how you feel, reaching out to others helps us feel better. Jesus was constantly reaching out, helping others and we are called to do the same. No matter if you are struggling with divorce, trying to rebuild your life, or in a place of peace and joy you can greatly benefit by serving and blessing others.

Luke 6:35

But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.

Galatians 6:2

Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.

When we serve others through our church, community or work we are doing an amazing thing. Taking the focus from ourselves and putting it on someone else. As this happens our problems melt away, seem less important and we are given the opportunity to bless someone that may not have had the opportunity to be blessed if you did not show up. Giving to others is our response to God’s love towards us and it aligns our heart with His.

Not only does volunteering in your community have spiritual benefits but health ones as well. Research has shown that people who volunteer have lower mortality rates, greater functional ability and lower rates of depression later in life. The connection between volunteering and longer life may indicate that volunteering has a positive effect on social psychological factors, such as one’s sense of purpose.

Divorce and stressful times can make a person go into isolation which can result in negative effects, however if you take the time to volunteer you will strengthen social ties while having a greater sense of self-worth and trust.

You don’t have to wait until you are feeling good again; volunteering at any time can have a positive effect on your emotional, spiritual, mental and physical being.

We reap what we sow…

The Loneliness Cure

Jason — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 21:22:02 +0000

I remember what it was like to be lonely, every riveting moment of it. The long hours that would sometimes seem like days and the lonely nights. It is hard to talk about being lonely with others, many times people don’t seem to understand the impact loneliness is having on your life because they’ve either forgotten or haven’t suffered through a divorce. To better cope with loneliness you need to understand it.

Loneliness is an emotional state. In this state regular people such as you and I experience a disconnection from people around us which leads to deep feelings of emptiness.

Loneliness can strike in at any time, whether you are in a large crowd or by yourself. Loneliness should not be confused with being alone. Being alone can be good from time to time. Loneliness on the other hand usually involves self-pity which isn’t fruitful at all.

For a very long time I had problems with loving others. My attention was mostly on myself and I found that I was lonely a lot. It wasn’t until my daughter was born that I was able to understand the gift of life and the love God had for me. After my divorce I realized how selfish I was and that I really did not love myself. Unless you love yourself it is nearly impossible to give love.

The first step in dealing with loneliness is learning to love yourself. When we are lonely life can feel hopeless and when we try and overcome the loneliness we tend to become more focused on ourselves. As long as we are doing this our ability to love is stunted. If a person seeks to give love rather than receive (without strings) he will become lovable. The key to love is self-sacrifice and giving without expectations.

Earl Nightingale used to preach; we are products of our own thinking and belief systems. I learned this firsthand and was amazed at how different my life was when I paid attention to my thoughts and beliefs. For example; if you are negative and your self-talk is negative you will likely be a negative person. When it comes to loneliness you need to watch what you think and say. Remind yourself on a regular basis that you are lovable, that God has great plans for you and you are attractive. The words we speak to ourselves are what define our actions, feelings and thoughts. You can greatly improve the quality of your life if you change your self-talk.

Can it be that the cure for loneliness is that simple? To love yourself, give love without strings attached and have positive self-talk. I guess you will need to try it out to know for sure.

Adultery – Can a Marriage Survive?

Jason — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 20:03:54 +0000

Ideally God would want us to avoid divorce but it takes two people working for a common goal, unfortunately that don’t always happen. If a person commits adultery then God provides a valid reason for divorce, it is one of few exceptions.

Matthew 19:9 “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Even though there are grounds for divorce it shouldn’t be the first option people choose. The question that needs to be addressed is; can a marriage survive adultery?

Generally, adultery doesn’t just happen overnight, it usually takes time to build to that point. I would venture to guess that it is a rare occurrence that anyone would get married with adultery being on the table. Adultery may be a physical act however, it isn’t the root cause. Often adultery occurs because there are other unmet needs and wants. People have affairs because they meet someone that makes them feel needed, heard, important, desirable and understood. For some reason the communication between husband and wife has broken down to the point where these needs aren’t being met.

Nearly 1 and 3 couples are affected by adultery and it isn’t just the husband stepping out; wives are just as guilty. The majority of marriages will end because of adultery however, a marriage can survive and many do.

Three things must happen for a marriage to survive adultery: 1) The adulterer must genuinely repent. 2) The person who was cheated on must forgive. 3) Both people need to commit to make the relationship work; whatever that entails.

Before my divorce my wife and I were meeting with a pastor trying to save the marriage, or at least that is what I thought. The counseling wasn’t going well, my wife was disinterested and I was frustrated. One day I was asked by the pastor if there was another man in her life. I quickly and firmly replied, “no!” I could not even imagine she was involved with someone else. It wasn’t until the day our divorce was finalized that I learned different. She is in fact was with someone and she chose to end our marriage to be with him. I never did learn what needs he was fulfilling that I fell short on however, it became obvious we had a major communication issue. Both parties need to commit to the marriage to make it work and that isn’t always the case because the cheater is wrapped up in what they want and need, many times leaving the relationship thinking things will be better.

I believe that given the opportunity a marriage can survive adultery and be better, stronger and more fulfilling. By working towards forgiveness, restoration and healing you can rebuild trust and develop the communication skills required to have a successful marriage. Don’t try to do it all alone, reach out to professional marriage counselors and pastors to help you work through the process. In the end a marriage can survive adultery.