Have you ever noticed how some people seem to be in a constant downward spiral with one bad thing happening after the next? If this sounds like you, you’re probably wondering what lessons you are supposed to be learning from all these trials. Is our lesson to have more faith, patience, tolerance, forgiveness or humility? What do we need to do to get our lives back on track and experience joy?

To begin the process, accept the fact that there is no such thing as a perfect life. There will always be storms in everyone’s life; divorce, death, illness, flat tires, basement flooding, poor decision making and so on. It isn’t possible to avoid problems in our lives or the lives of those closest to us. It is liberating to comprehend that life doesn’t need to be perfect or problem free for you to enjoy happiness and joy.

So you’re shaking your head and thinking that if only I knew your problems, I’d realize that you have more problems than anyone else. Okay, maybe your life reads like an afternoon soap opera but don’t take it personally. You are not being punished and God isn’t out to get you; however, you may be experiencing consequences from poor decisions in the past. Learn from your mistakes and if you can see where you went wrong try to avoid making the same mistakes.
Are you always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Are you constantly on the lookout for catastrophic events? You may be attracting the bad events to you like bees to honey. Change your thinking and expect the best for your life.

Have you ever talked to a friend about a problem that you think is monumental but they shrug their shoulders and say, “that’s not so bad.” Why is that? It comes down to perspective. They aren’t minimizing the situation but simply have a different viewpoint on it. It’s how you look at your problem that makes the difference. There are so many “Negative Nelly’s” out there often most problems get blown out of proportion. Experiencing more joy and happiness can be as simple as looking at your problem from a different perspective.

When things get really tough it is important to examine your priorities and distinguish the inconsequential from the significant. If you don’t decide on what’s important then someone else will and you will be running from storm to storm. Try to focus your attention on what really matters and what you want in your life-not what you don’t want.

Never forget that God has a plan for you and He is available to you 24/7 to help. You have a purpose and you have the power of God at your disposal.

Takeaways:

1. Life doesn’t need to be perfect for you to be happy.
2. Everyone experiences problems.
3. Learn from your mistakes.
4. Expect the best for your life.
5. Perception is critical
6. Understand your priorities.
7. Rely on God.
8. You have a purpose.

Interestingly enough a marriage can be on the rocks for years with both parties unhappy. The nagging, power struggles and constant arguing may have turned loving feelings to hate and bitterness. Many times people feel as though the only solution is to divorce but divorce has its own set of consequences and issues.

Dysfunctional relationships can sometimes feel like the norm, especially if they have been that way for a long time. When the relationship ends, you expect to feel better, relieved and hopeful but instead you discover that you actually miss the dysfunction. Constant unhappiness with your partner became your normal routine and now that he or she is gone it may feel like something is missing. Along with the changes divorce brings it also stirs up feelings of failure and low self-esteem. It goes without saying that no matter why divorce happens, it is a huge life change and can often lead to depression.

Please keep in mind that just because you are sad after divorce doesn’t mean you are suffering from depression. The most apparent symptom of depression is feeling sad and “empty” for a long period of time. We all get sad from time to time but it usually passes. If you have been divorced for several months and still feel hopeless and miserable you may be suffering from depression.

Depression can also cause feelings of anxiety, hopelessness, pessimism, guilt, irritability, restlessness, worthlessness and helplessness. Physical signs of depression include; insomnia or too much sleeping, overeating or loss of appetite, trouble concentrating, tiredness, headaches, digestive problems and loss of interest in doing things you once enjoyed.

Severe signs of depression include thoughts of suicide or suicide attempts. If you experience any of these you should seek professional help immediately.

There are several options for managing depression after divorce; the first step is to seek outside help by contacting your doctor or professional counselor. For more severe cases of depression medication may be prescribed but for situational depression there are alternatives such as cognitive behavioral therapy or interpersonal therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps individuals change their negative thought patterns that may be contributing to their depression. Interpersonal therapy helps individuals work through difficult past relationships. Both of these options are great starting points for people suffering from mild depression after divorce.

Divorce and depression are often linked but as time passes and you rebuild your self-esteem and life you will find a new normal. You should experience more good days than bad and get back to doing the things you used to enjoy.

Love isn’t supposed to hurt but unfortunately we often end up hurting the people closest to us the most. Anyone who believes that having a healthy and positive marriage is easy is misguided. It takes hard work, year after year, to have a healthy and lasting relationship. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage but a healthy marriage should involve good feelings, nurturing behavior, and two people that are strongly committed to making the relationship work through good and bad times.

Signs of a Dysfunctional Relationship and What to Do

1. Before marriage we see our relationship through rose colored glasses and feel as though nothing can ever go wrong but soon after the blessed union, couples have a tendency to clash. Different views on finances, child bearing, gender roles, and unmet expectations often result in frequent arguing. Constantly arguing over small stuff and the same things can negatively affect your health and certainly your relationship. Most couples argue-the goal is to learn how to argue fairly and not make it your personal mission to win. Remember, the happiness of the person you are arguing with is very important to you. Stay calm and try to get to the root of the matter. What is really fueling the argument? What needs aren’t being met? Usually a fight about the dishes in the sink isn’t really about dirty dishes but is about feeling unappreciated or taken for granted. Try to come up with solutions that work for both of you.
2. Controlling behavior is another sign of a dysfunctional relationship. Marriage is a partnership and not a child-parent relationship. Controlling behavior can be… (for lack of a better word) controlled but you need to acknowledge that the world does not revolve around you and realize that perfection doesn’t exist. Learn to accept the things in your life that you can’t control and (I hate to break it to you) that is everything except your actions and reactions.
3. Trust is a vital component of a successful marriage. Without trust it is nearly impossible to have a healthy marriage. Trust issues can lead to many problems such as jealousy and abuse. Trust can take a long time to build but mere moments to destroy. In order to gain or establish trust, learn to work with your spouse, fight fair, don’t go to bed mad, take responsibility for your actions, express your needs/wants, be a good listener and communicate effectively.

Relationships, much like the economy, go in cycles and there are times when stress, busyness, health issues, work, child rearing and a host of other issues can interfere with any marriage. Recognize that you are simply in a down time and ride it out. The upswing might be just around the corner. Make your marriage a priority and do whatever is necessary to resolve issues before they get out of hand.

The topic – the secret of satisfaction is one that is visited often. Why is it the ego, the concern with self, is so strong sometimes? All we think about is what is in it for me? Life would be better only if…

The Bible talks about how no matter how much we have, we are never satisfied or content. Man is always striving for more and never fulfilled. The pleasures of sin only lasts a short time. He who loves money will never have enough.

The “always wanting more” syndrome has been around for a very long time and I would venture to guess that the majority of the population struggle with it. We pursue our desires by engaging in all things that bring us pleasure but it rarely lasts. We pursue lasting satisfaction by becoming a workaholic to buy more things but it only leads to wanting even more. We never quite reach our arbitrary mark of success and other areas of our lives suffer. We buy toys and other possessions thinking they will satisfy us but there is always one more thing we have to possess.
It is impossible to fill the void by obtaining inanimate objects and money. To tame the beast you need to determine what you’re truly missing in life. Many times what you desire is a close and personal relationship with God. Psalm 37:4 says, “Seek your happiness in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desire.” Happiness and contentment is a result of seeking God and not worldly things.

The harder we pursue the things of the world to satisfy our ego and bring short-term pleasure, the further we are from God. God wants us to have nice things and wants us to have pleasure and peace but that requires surrounding yourself with Him and trusting Him. Don’t get caught up in obsessing over what you don’t have and practice gratitude. So the next time you want to trade in your 2002 Hyundai for a new BMW stop and be grateful that your little Hyundai is still dependable, fuel efficient and suits your needs. You never know, someday that BMW just might fall into your lap but there is no need to worry about it. The important thing is to seek the Kingdom of God first!

The truth is that life is hard and dangerous; that he who seeks his own happiness does not find it; that he who is weak must suffer; that he who demands love will be disappointed; that he who is greedy will not be fed; that he who seeks peace will find strife; that truth is only for the brave; that joy is only for him who does not fear to be alone; that life is only for the one who is not afraid to die.” ― Joyce Cary

There are many negative things you can turn to when going through a difficult time in your life. Many people turn to food, alcohol, new relationships or the never-ending pity party. However, you don’t have to make a bad situation worse by doing things that will hurt you in the long-term.

After a divorce, relationship problems can linger on and on, especially if you have a hard time letting go of the past or if there are children involved. It can be a very depressing time in a person’s life; emotions are all over the place. Sometimes it is difficult to find hope and move on with our lives. During difficult times we overlook the power of music and how it affects our mood.

Although this isn’t what I would recommend, many people turn to sad songs because it helps them to feel they are not alone in the trials they are suffering. If you are like me, you prefer to turn on rock music that promotes an optimistic feeling. Listening to upbeat music can make you feel like you can take life by the horns and make the most of it. Gospel music can also be comforting and help bring you closer to God.

The music you choose can affect the way you think and feel. If you want to get through difficult times throughout the day, create an uplifting CD or iPod playlist and play it when you feel low. According to researchers from the University of Groningen, music is not only able to affect your mood — listening to particularly happy or sad music can even change the way we perceive the world. Therefore, it is very important to listen to music that promotes happy thoughts and feelings.

It’s the little things such as listening to music, singing and dancing that can help keep a positive attitude after divorce. As the research has shown, as time goes on you will improve your mood and start perceiving the world as a good place.

Dating over 40 can be a blast and very rewarding if you willing to listen to some dating advice after divorce. Successful relationships will develop in your life if you know who you are, where you are going and love the person God made you to be. Just because you are over the age of 40 doesn’t mean you need to settle for the first person, or 10th person for that matter, who shows interest in you. Over the years we have learned that there is no Knight in Shining Armor or Perfect Woman. We have learned (at least we should have) that having unrealistic expectations in a partner will only lead to unmet expectations down the road.

The best dating advice after divorce that you can follow is to deal with the pain of divorce before you ever consider getting back into the dating game. When you do date don’t talk about past relationships; it only shows that you have a hard time letting go of the past and may not be ready to date. Make sure that you ready to put yourself out there, emotionally and physically. Nobody wants to have to break down your walls or have to wait a month just to get to know you a little better.

You should never worry about hurting someone else’s feelings. I am not talking about being rude or putting a person down, instead I am referring to telling your date, “thanks but no thanks.” Not everyone is going to be a good match (some are downright crazy) and it is important to be selective with the people you spend your time with. Leading a person on and playing games only to stroke your own ego will end badly.

Even dating over the age of 40 requires that you make a good first impression. Our culture has changed significantly over the years and even though it may be the norm for teenagers to not hold doors open, practice good manners and text on a date it most certainly is not acceptable for you. Guys, woman want to have the door held for them. Ladies, stand back and give him room to hold the door. Use manners, be polite, be honest and have fun.

When dating you aren’t going to hit it off with every person but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. Two people can laugh and have a good time together knowing that they aren’t the perfect match. It is amazing what you can learn about yourself and others if you take the time to talk. As you get more comfortable with dating it will get easier.

Don’t feel rushed to meet the “right” person just because you are over forty. It’s better to wait than to settle and end up going through a long and difficult relationship which could lead to divorce all over again. Finding a satisfying relationship takes time and work.

In life, make no mistake, people will disagree with you, hurt you, bully you, correct you and disappoint you. There is simply no avoiding it but do we like it when it happens? Of course not and unfortunately many people begin to worry, feel bad or resent others. Too much energy is spent reacting to what others do and say. Let’s face it, situations have their challenges but dealing with difficult people can be even more challenging. One of the best ways to increase your happiness is to learn how to react or in this case not react to other people.

Tips for Not Letting Others Get Your Goat

Disappointment

I like what Rick Warren had to say in a sermon long ago, “Happiness comes when you can accept people who have not attained your level of perfection. They don’t have to reach up to your standards to be loved.” When you are disappointed by others, it is easy to overreact and pass judgment but instead you need to look at the big picture. Examine your response and remember that chances are they weren’t out to disappoint you. When our spouse or significant other disappoints us, our first reaction is to point fingers and tell them how they are wrong. This usually just makes them defensive and leads to more trouble. Often our disappointment comes from our high and frequently unrealistic expectations.

Disagreement

Those of you who have children know what it is like to have daily disagreements. This can also happen at work, with significant others or family members. There are people out there that seem to be more irritating than others or people who argue just for the sake of arguing. Instead of driving your way of thinking home or changing their mind remember that often the best course of action is to respond in love with a gentle answer. You don’t need to compromise your convictions. Simply choose not to waste your time. “Don’t get into an argument over something that doesn’t matter anyway.” – Gen. George S. Patton

Bossy

Some people are born bossy and never grow out of it. Dealing with these types of people (constantly being corrected) can be frustrating at times but sometimes they provide a new idea or two that should be considered. We quickly want to respond and give our two cents but often it won’t make any difference. Some people offer constructive criticism that can lead to self-improvement. Don’t close yourself off to new ideas and try to remain teachable because you never know when you will learn something new that leads to your million dollar idea.

Hurt

Everyone gets hurt from time to time and eventually we will hurt someone else. It is a cycle in life that can’t be avoided.

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Romans 12:17-21

Sometimes it feels like second nature to want to hurt those that hurt us. We spend way too much time contemplating ways of getting even or suggesting consequences to God so He can take care of it. The only real way to get over others hurting you is to forgive them, even if they have not asked for it.

The key to dealing with difficult and hurtful people is to not react to the things they say and do. Accept yourself and who you are and don’t let what others say and do affect your convictions.. Often people that are hurtful have serious problems of their own or are insecure. Have faith in yourself and don’t let anyone take it away from you.

Remember, all of us experience these issues and we have created hurt in other’s lives. It is important to examine your own life and make sure that you are working on being kind and fair to others.

We all want to achieve a level of happiness and success where we aren’t dependent on anyone or anything but unfortunately that is always possible. It seems as life throws a couple curve balls our way we begin to tighten our grip on the things we fear losing the most. The tighter you squeeze the faster it slips between your fingers and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

As I look back on a few hurdles in my life I see where things played out exactly like this. The harder I tried to hold on to a marriage, my wife no longer wanted, the worse it got. Until finally during a counseling session it was suggested to me to let her go. Then it was money; I wanted more of it in order to provide a better life for my daughter but the more frugal I became it seemed there was always something to hit me in the pocket book; high gas prices, car repair, medical bill, etc. I stopped giving to church and charity to try and get where I wanted to be however, that place never came. Then I decided to look for a new relationship and everywhere I went I had that one thought (goal) to meet someone. This became quite frustrating as it seemed nearly impossible to find the happiness I craved. Forcing it or being too needy only made things worse. Everyone told me that you will find love when you aren’t looking for it… bleh!

If holding on tight to the things we want only creates loss then how can we achieve the results we long for? I think we all want to be happy and happiness doesn’t require untold riches, fancy job titles or fame instead happiness requires a simple, yet sometimes difficult, change in the way we think and act.

Even though money can buy whatever you want if you have enough of it, it can’t buy happiness. People that have enough money to take care of their needs can be just as happy, if not happier than someone with countless one dollar bills. Studies have been done which reflect this and the results show that people who give money to the less fortunate are happier at the end of the day versus people who spend money on themselves.

Finding Happiness

If you were to talk to happy people that you know I bet they would tell you a major contributor is that they give. Of course you don’t have to give money; you can give your time, prayers, talents, compliments and smiles. And giving can be done to anyone, not just strangers. Do the dishes for your wife, pay a utility bill for your brother-in-law who is financially struggling, volunteer at a local retirement home or VA, at a restaurant give a compliment to your waitperson, there are tons of opportunities to give. True happiness comes from the ability to give from your heart and not expect anything in return.

Have you ever wanted to be able to relate to others, make a difference and be more empathic? Then become a generous person and practice random acts of kindness. As you give to others you are developing your character and increasing your self-esteem. I think we are all in a position of giving and taking in life. We might not be in need of food or money but we could always use a helping hand, a compliment or a smile from time to time. If we refuse others from giving then we are taking away their joy and happiness. Not only do we need to be a generous giver but a gracious receiver.

Quotes About Giving

It is more blessed to give than to receive.―Acts 20:35

“It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.”― Mother Teresa

No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”― Charles Dickens

“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.”― Winston S. Churchill

Broken relationships lead to broken hearts and the fresher the breakup the more hopeless the situation appears. It’s been said that time heals all wounds but some people let the hurts from their past build walls of bitterness and distrust, self-pity and poor self-esteem. They are able to perform their daily functions and find happiness from time to time but living a life like this is not true healing. Fortunately, you don’t have to live this way as there are things that you can do to heal a broken heart.

People often feel alone after a relationship falls apart. Clearly, the situation has changed and the normalcies that you have been used to with a partner is gone but always remember that God is with you even if it doesn’t feel like it. He is aware of your pain, He cares and He desires to help you through the pain.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

Healing a broken heart takes more than just knowing God is with you. You need to let go of the pain by changing your focus from what you lost to what you have. Too often we continue to focus on the past-making ourselves miserable and amplifying our grief. We hold on to our pain by pushing it down deep inside or playing painful situations over in our minds like a broken record or by becoming angry and bitter. You must learn to let the pain and transgressions go! It is water under the bridge and you need to move on by changing your focus. It is a choice!

Rely on the resources that are available to everyone. There is the word of God, prayer, friends, support groups and the power of your own mind. You don’t need anything out of the ordinary to heal a broken heart you just need to be strong, move on and use the resources that are all around you.

Broken relationships aren’t all bad if you deal with them in a healthy manner. They do provide lessons in life’s classroom. Broken hearts help us to grow and direct necessary changes in our lives to better ourselves and our lives. They bring us closer to God and others. They teach us things about ourselves and others and make us stronger and more compassionate.

The pain may not go away overnight but if you begin to take practical steps to overcome it, you will soon be on your way to a happier and healthier life.

Weddings Shut One Door and Open Another – Learning to Live Together

A couple’s engagement period is filled with excitement and anticipation. It is as if one has received the promise of something greatly desired, but must wait anxiously before it is delivered. This time can be characterized by the absence of a critical spirit creating an experience of pure delight.

Once the wedding ceremony comes and goes the honeymoon phase eventually passes and different feelings may arise. Emotions are no longer standing still; reality is setting in and the perfect mate might not seem quite so perfect. Unreasonable expectations, denial and feelings of love can get in the way when it comes to making logical decisions. After the wedding it is important to deal with changing perceptions as things become more and more real. We all have our little quirks that others need to accept.

Learning to Live Together

Learning to live together can be challenging but obviously it should be your highest priority. The first requirement is to build a union that will benefit both parties. Men and women have differences with clashing desires but these differences can add excitement to the relationship as long as both people are committed to a lifetime together. Compromise plays a major role in getting past petty decisions and selfishness. Decisions must be made on what is the best option for both parties, not the selfish or narrow-minded desire of either person. Compromise can take a bit of practice; you have to be ready and willing to view the situation through your mate’s point of view. Compromise isn’t a personal contest about winning your partner over to your way of thinking.

Relationships will fail without respect. No one can suddenly change their personality at will just to please their partner and why should they? Each person must be proud of the other and of themselves. Too often once people get married, they stop exerting themselves and get soft mentally, physically and spiritually. Marriage is not an invitation to become lazy.

Over time you might notice mannerisms that annoy you. Chances are they have been there all the time and are part of the individuality of the person you fell in love with but now that lingering drawl, slight uncouthness at the table, gesture of timidity or swagger bothers you. Maturity brings recognition of human imperfections and now that you see one another more clearly, you should be able to also see more of their good points. As you accept your partner for who they are, you become less self-centered and more helpful to them.

In a successful marriage you can’t hold on to the present or seek to bring back the past. Each moment is new and good in itself. The present is useful only as a stepping stone to the future. Love and the expression of love should change as you both grow and mature. Marriage is a long-term proposition and there must be a willingness to nurture your life together. Look at every challenge and obstacle as an opportunity to strengthen your marriage. If husband and wife accept maturing responsibilities, their marriage relationship will keep pace with their development and becomes more satisfying. A mature couple will not look to the past with longing; instead they will view it as a phase that has led to their success. The difference between success and failure is the hairline difference between caring and ceasing to care for one’s investment.