Stacey on Dating after Divorce

Here is an email I received from a visitor and thought I would share it. I usually enjoy reading what is going on in other people’s lives and I think it helps others to relate.

My experience, I was married to my husband for 19yrs. after locking myself up in apartment for a year after divorce I then ventured online to a Christian dating sight. I liked the idea of an online dating sight because I could “just talk” behind a screen, in the safety of my home. I met some guys (online only) that were real jerks, couple lead me on pretty good an caused “naive me” some real heart hurt, but it was good lesson learned, an caused me to be more skeptical an careful. I met (online only) some successful, good looking, good Christian men, that really boosted my ego, which I needed after coming from a mostly emotionally abusive marriage. Then (after deciding to no longer talk to those who lived too far away). I met some good Christian men in my area with some common interests, I decided to venture out on some first dates with those who seemed sincere an safe, …. eeeks! I soon learned, I’m shallow! Found out that no matter how wonderful they are, I have to have chemistry an will no longer try to make chemistry happen as it just doesn’t work for me, lol.

I’ve learned my instincts are pretty good an I should not doubt them. I learned meeting in public place is a rule that needs to be kept! I learned that long distance relationships are a waste of time unless one of us wins the lottery or neither of us enjoys each others company. I learned that men are needy an lonely too an will tell you whatever you want to hear to just get the ball rolling. I learned that the fantasy is usually better than the reality. I learned that being told I’m pretty had a lot of power on my emotions early on, but that those words are usually used with many others online by the same guy an should not be allowed to have so much influence. Now many of these things I already knew, but when you are lonely an fantasize of the romantic fairytale your never had, it’s funny how you have to relearn these things.

I have had one relationship since divorce, lasted almost a year, poor guy had to go through a lot of drama! lol. I was married for 19yrs. can’t just sweep that under a rug, all the fears an baggage came with me. He was very gracious to me by letting me talk an wig out at times, usually around that time of month (yeah I know-but I like to be real!) I learned a lot in that relationship, mostly that I didn’t know who I was. I also learned that there are men out there capable of intimacy an can be honest/open/and vulnerable. I learned about how having the same love languages ( is such a real blessing! Though we both came to a point where we knew we were not “equally yoked” for each other. I feel that God gave me him to learn certain things an to prepare me, an stabilize me, for more. I feel the online conversations I’ve had with the opposite sex has broadened my understanding of men an myself an the different needs we all have in relationships.

One area that has been a area of growth for me is; I had many requirements (mostly because of my fear of future hurt) in seeking a solid marriage minded Christian man. Some have fallen away an I have given God more room. I now better understand the essentials I need and the gifts that I have to offer a mate through communicating online. I still can get excited about a new online guy, but after we talk more an have found something we are not comfortable with or God forbid we meet in person an one of us is not physically attracted to the other, we end it. (Some think this is unchristian like- well then I need more prayer!) I have found I am very picky an some think that is bad! I think it is smart! Maybe someday I will be desperate enough to settle, but it aint today!

Now there are some co-workers of mine who think online dating sights are for losers/sickos/players/an the desperate (yes there are all of those!) Yet some of these co-workers meet there dates at the bar?? That’s where I found my ex-husband, No thanks! lol. I am grateful for my online singles dating site experience, I did a lot more talking than I did dating, but I learned a lot. I also have gained a very good friend-only online an his counsel an friendship have been a strength since my divorce. I have done some dating but I don’t enjoy it for the most part, because it is a let down an I don’t seem to know how to date casually as just friends (with no hidden agenda? Really?) for fun! But I think that is my next lesson??

And maybe I shouldn’t add this but ….. are there any “Christian” men out there that believe premarital sex is not a healthy thing for those involved an have “made a decision” to honor God, themselves an the woman they supposedly love? An yes, I REALIZE I’m asking EACH OF US to walk on water!


I enjoyed Christian Cafe. I agree with Stacey to always use caution but that goes with dating in general, no matter where we meet people.

2 Replies to “Stacey on Dating after Divorce”

  1. Stacey,

    I am new to this site. I was married for 25 yrs. Highschool sweethearts gone bad… I am lonely and my friends who have been on dating websites tell me that men just want, “One Thing”….

  2. Jill, I agree there are people out there that are just looking for sex but that can be anywhere and those people are easy to weed out. I met my current wife online and I have no regrets. No matter where you meet people always use caution and don’t put yourself into compromsing sitautions.

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